Born: July 20, 1980
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 150 lbs.
Writes: Right
College: University of Notre Dame (2002)

When I was growing up I always wanted to be a mutant. I would sit in Mrs. Vargo’s English class and daydream about the day when my powers would manifest themselves, vaporizing Mrs. Vargo in front of the terrified class, after which Professor X would come in and sweep me away. I would join the X-Men and fly all around the world, thwarting Magneto or the Sentinels at every turn, and maybe catch the occasional glimpse of Jean Grey naked in the X-locker room, which would make me forget all about the fact that Kristi Carpenter was dating stupid Jeff Carroll.

Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure I’ve gone through puberty and I haven’t vaporized anyone yet. While this is a disappointment, I’m hopeful that my background in science will allow me to develop some sort of hand laser to compensate for my lack of God-given vaporizing abilities. In the meantime, I’ve decided to help found FLYMF, the humor magazine you’re reading right now.

Why, you might ask? Well, besides the obvious answer that laser R & D doesn’t pay the bills, I hope to take advantage of the fact that the United States is moving towards a new economy where people’s jobs will primarily consist of screwing around on the internet all day. Ultimately I view myself as a servant of the American people, working hard to make sure they can make it through their day without doing any work at all. Godspeed, sweet slackers.

A brief timeline of my life

1980: Born in leaky barn in Mishawaka, IN. Town’s name immediately changed to New Bethlehem.

1983: Watched Smurfs for the first time. Childhood memories and Smurf episodes muddled to this day.

1986: Offered opportunity to graduate from high school. Decline, opting to pretend to be a normal kid. Bullies informed of my decision immediately.

1989: Buy Nintendo Entertainment System. Unaware at time that decision ensures virginity throughout teens.

1993: Voted “Best Paperboy On Earth” for second consecutive year.

1997: Airtight treatise against organized religion, capitalism, and determinism delivered in AP English on November 15. Only idiots unconvinced.

2000: Become lead singer for The Bonobos. “Mastubatory Baby” makes it to number 3 on the charts.

2004: Co-founded FLYMF. Also due to complete Great American Novel and multimillion dollar screenplay by end of the year.

E-mail James at James@flymf.com