America, The Suck-Fest

Or, a Modest Tax Proposal

by Zachary Locklin

I am disappointed in you, America.

I am disappointed in you politically. I am not a particularly political person, it is true. Also true: I did not start out with a high degree of faith in America or Americans. And still, you assholes have disappointed me again.
At the time of writing, it is still more than a week before our ridiculous Presidential Election. But I know, with great certainty, that come November second you will all let your country down. Again. Not because half of you aren’t going to vote. And not because the other half of you are going to write-in déjà-loser Dennis Kucinich. Those are certainly bad enough. But the real error, the real crime against posterity, is that you will not band together and elect Green-Party Politician-and-Frankenstein Ralph Nader.

Don’t get me wrong. In the past I, too, have had a tendency to distrust what I call “those fucking hippies” in the Green Party. I don’t know much about Nader’s economic policy and I could not possibly care any less about the legalization of marijuana, except inasmuch as said legalization would cause my friends to shut the Hell up about it. Nor am I one of those idiots rallying for the breakdown of major corporations or the release of that “fucking hippie” and non-political-prisoner Mumia Abu-Jamal (1).

But I cannot ignore Nader’s stance on the current supposed War on Terror.

The Ralph Nader Zombie Baby Tax is a proposal designed to clear up any and all National Security issues while minimizing civilian involvement and death. Naturally both major-party candidates--who, for fear of the Patriot Act, I will refer to only as Herman and Eddie Munster--have tried to keep knowledge of Nader’s tax-proposal suppressed. They know how damaging its popularity could be to their campaigns.

Why, you ask?

It is clear that, given the ongoing situation our current Administration has caused in the Middle East, we as a Nation have the responsibility to stick around and clean things up. This means increased military presence, which means increasing the size of our armed forces. It also means more money, which means increased emphasis on taxation.

Naturally each candidate has his own solution to the problem. Say Eddie Munster proposes taxing the poor and sending more troops overseas. And say Hermann Munster suggests taxing the rich and sending decreasing amounts of troops overseas.

Ralph Nader suggests taxing everybody equally. At least, all families. And he proposes sending more troops overseas, but not people like George Clooney or Avril Lavigne (2).

Well, maybe Avril Lavigne.

You see what I’m getting at: Zombies.

A zombie army led by Nader-trained Tahitian Witch Doctors. The benefits of this plan are obvious. No more American deaths in the Middle East. A relatively low cost of food, housing, and training. And no need to rely on a draft: if a soldier falls, we can just stitch him back together and re-animate him.

Did I mention Ralph Nader is a Zombie Witch Doctor?

Well, he’s not just the President, so to speak, he’s also a client. If you get my meaning. Which means that no one knows more about the reliability and strength of a zombie army, or about the benefits of having said zombie army fighting for, and not against, the old U.S. of A. Frankly, I think it’s our responsibility as a Nation to get started on this as soon as possible. Can you imagine the consequences if the French figure it out first? Do you want to see the Red-White-and-Blue turned back into the Bleu-Blanc-et-Rouge?

You see what I’m getting at.

The only downside to this plan isn’t really a downside at all. I mentioned that the zombie army would require a relatively low cost of food. No doubt you noticed my use of the word “relatively”—Americans may be idiotic politically but you’re all well-trained readers, aren’t you.

This is where Nader’s tax proposal comes into play. The benefit of a good, well-organized zombie army is that it (1) requires fewer per-capita troops, and (2) thus requires much less food. Also it’s good to keep those rascals a little hungry.

So all Nader asks of you, America, is one human baby, per family, per year.

That’s what the Ralph Nader Zombie Baby Tax is all about: People feeding People to Dead People.

That’s not so much, is it? One baby per family per year? If you’re not married, no sweat. You’re off the hook. Nader’s belief in the sanctity of marriage is well documented. If you are married, I mean, what’s one baby a year? America is currently far overpopulated as it is.

Naturally, the proposal cuts off after the mater familias reaches a certain age. All we’re asking is that all married women between the ages of fourteen and fifty-six produce one baby a year to feed our boys in Iraq. Oh, and the legal age of consent will be lowered, nationwide, to fourteen. For the kids.

Because Ralph Nader believes it is our responsibility as civilians to support our troops overseas. Especially as we’ll all have some family-member or other fighting for freedom. Even if it’s only our great-great-great grandmother.

But no. You, America, had to write-in Fairy-Nosferatu-looking Dennis Kucinich. When everybody knows that his Vampire Army is totally theoretical and impractical in the Middle East, where they don’t even have any trees for shade, for Christ’s Sake.

So way to go, America. You total suck-fest.

(1) Who, for the record, is about as far from being a political prisoner as a woman’s anus is from being her sexual organs, which doesn’t seem like a huge difference until you try to confuse one for the other.

(2) Who, okay, is actually a Canadian. I think my point still stands.

© 2004 Zachary Locklin, All Rights Reserved.