Dear Hollywood Poker Showdown

by David Gianatasio

Dear Hollywood Poker Showdown,

I've gained 17 pounds watching your stupid show! Mainly from eating chips. Not poker chips, of course. But seeing those made me crave the salty, edible kind. (That's how my mind works—no apologies!)

I'm not sure what ignited my craving for clam dip and guacamole. Money and guacamole are both green, and you play poker for money, so that might explain it. And isn't money sometimes referred to as "clams?" Also, Drew Carey kind of looks like a clam. And his show wasn't so great. I'm glad he lost to that guy who used to play Mr. Belvedere.

To make matters worse, I've also given up mineral water for Coke. (Yes, I switched during Robert Downey, Jr.'s recent three-night stint on the show. YES, that's a cheap shot, but there we are.)

My obsession with pots of pudding needs no explanation.

Ravenously,

Dave

P.S. Why haven't you responded to my treatment for "Celebrity Go-Fish Showdown?"

P.S.S. Since writing my treatment for "Celebrity Go-Fish Showdown," I've gained another three pounds from eating beer-fried jumbo salmon sticks.

P.S.S.S. Attached please find my latest head-shots. (A SASE is enclosed; please return the one of me in the sailor suit.)

© 2006 David Gianatasio, All Rights Reserved.