I'll Pray For Your Souls

by Kirk Cameron

Dear FLYMF,

Recently it has come to my attention that your publication has poked fun at my attempts to spread news of the everlasting salvation made possible through the loving embrace of Jesus Christ. Being a Christian, I take no anger at this. Indeed, following the adherence to turn the other cheek I invite you to make fun on my permlike curls or sometimes overenthusiasm for Boggle.

Still, I have to admit to an overwhelming sense of sadness that some people seem to find funny the pain and sacrifice undertaken by the Son of God to redeem the sins of all mankind. Likewise, I take no joy in the knowledge that I am on the path to everlasting Rapture, when with that knowledge comes the fact that others are condemning themselves to eternal torment for the sole benefit of their attention-starved egos.

For, does it not say in the Bible, “Maketh not light of the Son of Man, for damnation thus awaits thee?” And does it not also say, “To those with the turnip’s sense shall be also given the turnip’s fate, to be lowered upon by the beasts of burden and be expelled undigested onto the ground?”

Well, no, it doesn’t say that, although I’m certain none of you knew that. But it also doesn’t say, “Blessed are the jokemakers, for their foul language shall find favor with God.” For what good are a few sinful chuckles if they forfeit you your eternal soul?

Before I close, I would like to make one final point.

1. Pick the number of days a week that you would like to go out (1-7).
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply the new total by 50.
5. If you’ve already had your birthday this year, add 1755. If you haven’t, add 1754.
6. Subtract the four digit year that you were born (19XX).

Results: You should have a three-digit number.

The first digit of this number was the number of days you want to go out each week (1-7).

The last two digits are your age

Thus is the power of Christ.

Jesus Jesus!

Kirk Cameron

© 2005 James Seidler, All Rights Reserved.