October Whorescopes

by Angela Lovell

LIBRAtion of The Soul

Satan is a pretty nifty guy. He always has drugs, big-breasted, easy women, and the perfect lie for getting out of work the next day. But Libra, you recovering perfectionist, remember what happened last year when you invited the devil to your birthday party? Fool convinced you to dance on a bar and then you had to open presents from your hospital bed! You kicked a lot of bad habits since your last birthday. Truly, we're all very impressed. Don't let these influences back in, no matter how many all-access passes they wave in your face. Their promises are emptier than that bottle you sucked dry before breaking your back. After a year of healing, you should know to watch your step. (And nobody's gonna show up for Round Two of wiping your ass.)

SCORPIO Some Sugar On Me

A Scorpio girl I share a very clean bathroom with (oh, you clean-freaks!) recently said to her boyfriend, "Sometimes it makes me sad that I'll never be anybody's first love again."

Her old-soul Aquarius boyfriend said, "Isn't it better to be somebody's last love?"

We all sighed dreamily at her retelling of this, but for some reason it brought us around to that old joke: What's better than winning First Place at The Special Olympics... NOT being retarded.

Don't be retarded, Scorpio. Living in the past isn't "living" at all. Life is short and you of all people know how to do it right. Hop on a rollercoaster and throw your hands in the air. I'll hold the zeppoles.

Voted Most Likely to SAGITTARIUS

As "Rowdy Teenager of the Zodiac" you've got quite a reputation to uphold. Encountering old school chums you once corrupted who happily exclaim, "You never change!" only keeps you feeling young and frisky. But there's something big going on, and I must use technical jargon (which you'll undoubtedly forget) to explain it—Pluto has been in Sagittarius for ten years but it's on its way out. Pluto is the planet of transformation, and you're a very lucky Sag indeed to get Pluto in your sign at all, for many people never get it in their whole lifetime. So when your dad shook his head at you, predicting no hope of personal growth when you'd come home at 4 a.m. lying your ass off with a busted headlight on his car, feel free to call him now and say, "Dad! Pluto's working for me!"

He'll think you're experimenting with drugs (again), but rest assured, mutating Archers: by 2008 you'll be the envy of all your friends, sitting across from Oprah in fancy new shoes, giving hope to all the fuck-ups of the world. Just to illustrate how much you've already changed, for Halloween dress up like your old self from last year. You'll be surprised how few people will recognize you.

CAPRIcandyCORN

I know you're feeling unwanted and unloved lately, Capricorn, and I haven't helped by picking on you, but you're a very malicious sign, and all of you embrace that about yourselves. Yes, it's in your blood to bully, but defending your horrendous actions is like Freddy Krueger's justification for slicing and dicing children. Hurting people is bad. Bad, Capricorn! I want you to take it down a notch and focus on simply annoying them. Seriously, just taking it down a level will win you all kinds of friends who will defend you to your past victims, "Yeah, Capricorn used to really suck, but Capi's gotten so much better!"

And you can still give out the gross, unlikable candy to trick-or-treaters this year, saving the chocolate bars for yourself. Just leave the rat poison under the sink, you sickos.

Breaker, Breaker... Come In, AQUARIUS

I realized recently why all of my Aquarius friends have trucks—it's because you have so many FRIENDS. At first I believed it was for all that hands-on work you love to do outside in the showiness of nature. But then when I heard ex-cokehead Pisces James Taylor sing "You've Got A Friend" at the grocery store I realized that you're THAT pal! Not only do you listen, but you speak with raw wisdom, serving as the grandparent we never had. Throw a bunch of straw in the back of your precious truck and take us on a hay ride, Aquarius, telling ghost stories and giving the kind of love that makes us kids again. Not only do you make great friends, but you kick ass as grandparents too. You're in high demand this month as the rest of us unravel trying to sort out our lives and moving into new homes. Feel free to to cash in on some sexual bartering among your friends—after all, you don't hang out with ugly people!

Gotta Kiss A Lot of Frogs Before Finding Your PISCES

You dear, beautiful, dark perverts are often mistaken for royalty by everyone from your roommates to the fast food clerk desperately trying to cut the dairy out of your fried meal. And Pisces, you sleek stallions, you truly deserve the royal treatment just for treating yourselves so well. Apparently, however, the lucky bastard you've been smooching turned out to be a commoner. It's rare for Pisces to kiss n' tell, but look at you go! Quite the October Bitchfest! Yeah, you could dump this slimy, sloppy kisser, or you could dress your frog as a prince (at least for Halloween) and enjoy a little slumming. With all those tattoos, what's a wart or two?

Peter Pan Needs fARIES Dust to Fly

Growing up sucks. But you did it. And now you're regretting that house purchase with mortgage payments prohibiting you from strapping on a backpack and touring Ireland. You'll work it out, Aries, I promise. Not for a while, but you'll dig that escape tunnel soon enough. This "adult" lifestyle you've traded in late nights and gypsyhood for is temporary—like playing an extended version of "House," you'll eventually get bored and move on to a new life lesson. (I promise you'll be playing "Doctor" as soon as your libido gets out from under the Dunce cap.) For now, while stuck in a grown-up's role, I suggest you climb a tree in your nicest work clothes, reveling in the snags and tears it causes, then get your mom to launder them so her scolding will really take you back to the good times. You're a kid at heart, after all, and you guys are ALL heart!

Make Mine a TAURUSty Nail

Whoo hoo, I know who's having the Halloween party this year! Congratulations on big successes coming through! You kicked ass, took criticism well, tried a new food, hated that new food, and saw a monstrous task through to its very end! You've been out of the game for quite a while, workaholic Bulls, but now you're back and badder than ever! Celebrate this success before conquering another one! Just don't mix beer and liquor or you'll wake up in Jersey with no pants.

It's Gruesome That Someone So GEMINI Should Care

I understand your love of technology. You always acquire the latest gizmos and show them off as though they are the fruit of your loins. But Gemini, that's WEIRD! Especially when you use electronics instead of body parts to communicate. Text messaging or emailing your feelings is gross and tacky, no matter how cool the font you used. When once you were grossing us out with where you wanted your fluids to land, now you're just being crude with overuse of gadgets, and not the FUN kind. My hetero-lifemate, Vickie, once worked for the famously eccentric Gemini, Morrissey. She told me he would only communicate through faxes—not believing in cell phones or even email. He also ended up as an insanely horny bisexual who doesn't have sex with anyone. We're all very accepting of your door swinging both ways, Gemini, just get back to swinging it and not to setting up another damn laptop. Rustle up some friends and go toilet paper the homes of your many exes. (Use that special toilet paper you can't live without so they know it was you.) We miss you weirdos. And use that damn camera phone to entice—not unnerve.

CRABS at The Heavy-Petting Zoo

You Cancers have been frustrating me with your fear of making the first move. It's no wonder you all enter your twenties as virgins! Then again, the last time I pushed one of you to pursue a not-so-aggressive mate, you ended up broken-hearted on a dirty bus with a broken shoe. But the following advice is golden to you virginy little doves: anyone who makes your heart flutter before getting their fingerprints on you is WORTH the effort. Truly. And your heart was meant to flutter, Cancer, preferably against another heart. You're soft, lovable little creatures that everybody's dyin' to stroke and smooch. You get hooked on love very easily, so be picky about who you let in—no matter how much they feed you, make sure it's them and not their petting. (And don't dress up like any damn bunnies or kitties this year for Halloween, you gaylords, or I'll get Aries to kick your ass!)

MultipLEO Choice

Which of these things is leading to the ferocious decline of sex in your life?

a) Smelling like a wet dog even when you're dry.

b) Smoking so much pot you put your shoes on the wrong feet.

c) Going to the neighborhood AIDS testing truck in the middle of the day just to get that $5 Popeye's coupon.

"d" is for DUH! All of the above!

Leo, get it together. Even if you get someone drunk enough to have sex with you, you're gonna SUCK (and probably too hard, as usual.) King of the Jungle, Baby! Get it back! And don't bother dressing up for Halloween—people will think your stained sweatpants and "FBI - Female Body Inspector" shirt are your costume for "That Guy Who Lives In His Mom's Garage."

VIRGOnna Love Tomorrow

You don't know what you want. And that's okay. It's a bit depressing, however, when people whiz past you towards their goals as you clutch your pillow and pray for another twelve hours of sleep. Normally, I'd tell you to take that game of Devil's Advocate and shove it up yer ass. But you're hurting. So, you impossible to please mutha fuckas, all I can tell you is to turn your back on your problems. I know this hasn't worked in the past, but it will for now. Turn your back to this roadblock, break out the sentiment, find some friends you thought you'd outgrown, and go to at least three different Halloween parties, each time in different costumes, mocking everyone else for dressing up. When they point out that you're wearing a costume too, say, "No, I'm not. I really am a zombie. It's just that no one here has a brain savory enough for me to bite into."

This will be especially entertaining if you're dressed like a doctor. It'll be better in 2006, Virgo. I promise.

© 2005 Angela Lovell, All Rights Reserved.