Our Search Engine Survey
by James Seidler
One nice thing about having a website is that it lets you collect statistics—all sorts of statistics: the number of people visiting your site, how long they stayed, the stories they read, the internet browser they used to visit, their credit card numbers (just kidding!). Still, sometimes the sheer amount of information provided can result in those of us in charge finding out some things we’d have rather not known. A prime example of this is the most common search terms that resulted in people being brought to our site.
Take, for instance, this month’s winner, “Insert-into-penis.” It’s not exactly the first phrase that comes to mind when thinking of heavy-hitting humor, but it is one that brought eighty-one people to FLYMF over the past month. What exactly “insert-into-penis” links to on our site, I’m not certain; I would look to find out, except I’m scared the results that might come up would result in severe consequences from my present employer.
Another top listing this month was “tranquilize,” which brought forty-two presumably edgy souls to our website. A Google analysis of the search was instructive in this case: a search for the word brings up Pamela Light’s November article, “Someone Tranquilize Me, Please,” as the thirteenth option. One can only hope these numbers don’t represent forty-two potential date-rapists looking to hone the tricks of their trade
Similar benefit of the doubt can’t be extended to the eighteen people who were brought to our website by searching for Rocky J. Suhayda, as he’s the head of the American Nazi Party; if you’re Googling him, it’s relatively certain you’re a skinhead bastard. Still, the linkage of this search to our site is clear as well, as FLYMF Iraqi correspondent Mustafa Hamir considered him as a potential presidential candidate in this fall’s election issue.
Our last search of note this month was, “How to make moonshine,” the intent behind which is pretty well stated. This of course links to Peter Sander’s seminal piece, "A Lament On The Dearth Of Hootenanies and Moonshine." Unfortunately searchers, a recipe was not included.
Other popular search terms denoting the sad state of the internet include “pooping blood” (12), “sisterfuckers” (11), “screw the pooch” (8, and one certainly hopes that’s a colloquialism), “monkey sniffing finger” (7), “monkey sniffing butt” (6), and, of course, “monkey sniffing butt video” (5).
I look forward to next month’s statistics, which will probably report a surge in the number of people brought to our site searching for “sisterfuckers pooping blood while a monkey sniffing his finger screws the pooch.”
I’m sure they'll leave disappointed.
© 2005 James Seidler, All Rights Reserved.
