Spending Your Lottery
Money Wisely

by Chad Lowry

So the lottery jackpot is up to some incomprehensible number, like $280 million dollars or something, and I can't even make sense of having that much money all at once, but here's what I'd do if I won it:

First, I'd tell everyone at the office I was in the lottery pool with that the winning ticket I have is one I bought for myself, and not one I bought for the pool. Hey, that's the breaks sometimes. You've got to look out for number one. Besides, there'll be other lotteries for them to win, it's not like the concept is going away or something.

Second, I'd buy a house. Not necessarily the biggest, most expensive house, but one with a security system that electrifies you if you try to break in or drive up the driveway without permission. (Note to self: turn off security system before pizza delivery guy shows up.) Anyway, I'm in a crappy apartment right now, and I'd like something with air conditioning and clean floors.

Next, I'd buy a new dresser. All I have now are these two, small kiddie dressers from Wal-Mart that my aunt gave me for Christmas four years ago. Nice present, Aunt Opal! Guess who's not getting any of my new bills?

Which reminds me: one of my favorite foods is chicken wings. But only good chicken wings, not just any old chicken wings. They'd better be big and meaty, and have just the right amount of spiciness; I'm not looking to go blind eating them. And don't go messing around with any of those weird alternatives like teriyaki chicken wings or BBQ chicken wings. It's supposed to be hot sauce, dammit! And they come with blue cheese, not ranch, and if that dressing is room temperature instead of being cold, somebody's getting kicked in the nuts. The point is, I will buy a lot of (good) chicken wings when I win the lottery.

I wll also pay off my credit cards and the loan for my '93 Dodge Dynasty, and maybe get through the last three years of college. But the professors will have to come tutor me in person, because if people on campus were to find out I won the lottery, I'd probably have to put up with a bunch of needy college kids whining to me about how Mom and Dad won't send them a check until the first of the month, or until they get a C, or that they don't have parents, and I just don't want to hear it.

The only other extravagant things I'd spend my money on would be T-bills or a couple of hedge funds, and then I'd put in a swimming pool at my house, if it didn't already have one. If it does, then I'll buy a hot tub instead. Oh, and one more thing: I'd hire Vince Carter to show up at the next Halloween party I was invited to. Then, if someone says to him: "Hey, Vince Carter! What are you doing here?" He'll say, "No dummy, it's Chad, don't you recognize me?" That would be hilarious.

I can hardly wait to tell my chef what to make me for breakfast the day after I win!

© 2004 Chad Lowry, All Rights Reserved.