by Nick Holle

Editor’s Note: Despite its title, this story is not simple. Ha-hah. Irony. Funny. Please refer to the diagram below to aid you in your reading.

Jesse is dating Sarah with an H. Nicole is a lesbian, but Pepsi plans to marry Jesse. Jesse’s father is dead. He was killed indirectly by Nicole, the lesbian, even though she told her friend Randy that she thinks that Jesse is the only man that she could ever love. Don’t get me wrong though, Nicole is still a lesbian. Pilar is Jesse’s dead father’s wife. She is not Jesse’s mom. Jesse’s mom also died; however, it was through no fault of anybody else. She was just too darn fat.

You see, Nicole, the lesbian, was housesitting for Jesse’s family while they were on vacation in Lebanon. Jesse’s father, previous to his death, had a brother Franklin who lives there with his soulmate Tim. Franklin and Tim are not lovers. They just have trouble being apart. Tim is a professor. Franklin writes freelance articles for Stateside political journals. So while Jesse’s family was gone, Nicole had a friend over, Sara with an A. Nicole likes Sara with an A and Sara with an A likes Nicole. And yes, it was in Jesse’s family’s house where the two first kissed.

One day during this time, Pepsi––who still always planned to marry Jesse and who was unfortunately named after a popular cola––called for Jesse but instead got Nicole, the lesbian housesitter, on the phone. Pepsi is a very jealous person, and not knowing that Nicole was only housesitting, she scolded Nicole for trying to steal Jesse from Jesse’s girlfriend Sarah with an H, even though the reason for the scolding was merely a cover because she really scolded Nicole because of her own plan to marry Jesse.

A distraught Nicole, forgetting that she was only housesitting, thought that both Pepsi, and subsequently Jesse’s girlfriend Sarah with an H, now knew that she had once told Randy that, foregoing her lesbianism, Jesse was the only man she could ever love. Nicole was shaken, fearing that this information would be found out by Jesse who firmly thought she was a lesbian. And she feared if would be found out by her new crush Sara with A, who was sitting in the next room nibbling on some baby carrots. Shaken by the thought of this information getting out, Nicole mistakenly mixed Kool-Aid in a pitcher that contained poisonous plant food and was used by Jesse’s family to water the house plants.

On the other end of the phone line, Pepsi is fuming. She would like to rip Nicole’s trachea out of her neck, but then realizes that this is the perfect way to try and get Sarah with an H to break up with Jesse. She immediately calls Sarah with an H and gets no answer. She then visits Randy who is a confidant of hers. Pepsi tells Randy what is going on. Randy is in a difficult situation. He has begun to have feelings for Pepsi and does not want to promote Pepsi’s plan to marry Jesse, information Pepsi has told him as a confidant.

Of course, Randy also has the knowledge that Nicole could only ever love one man, Jesse. Nicole told him this during a time when Randy had begun to have feelings for Nicole. This was before Randy dated Ursula and before he found out that Nicole was a lesbian.

So while Randy was trying to calm Pepsi down by rubbing her back, the phone rang. Randy answered. It was Nicole. She was also upset. Nicole thought that Randy liked Pepsi and that he was the one that told Pepsi that Jesse was the only man Nicole could ever love. Nicole was right about the first part and wrong about the second.

Nicole was in the bathroom at this time, and there was a knock on the door. It was Sara with an A. Nicole tells her to wait a few minutes, but Sara with A says that there is someone at the front door. That someone is Sarah with an H, Jesse’s girlfriend, who knows full well that Jesse is in Lebanon with his father and stepmother visiting his father’s brother Franklin and his soulmate Tim. She also knew Nicole was housesitting for them. She came to see Nicole and was quite surprised that Sara with an A answered the door. Sarah with an H had always been fascinated by Nicole’s lesbianism and was eager to spend more and more time with her. Nicole was apparently in the bathroom, so Sara with an A chatted with Sara with an H while they waited.

Meanwhile, Pepsi is crying, and Randy is trying to calm her down while he talks to Nicole. Randy denies to Nicole that he told Pepsi that Jesse is the only man Nicole could ever love. Nicole is not convinced and begins shouting. Randy gets a call on the other line and tells Nicole to hold. Nicole is screaming obscenities, and Sara with an A and Sarah with an H go to the bathroom door to see about the commotion.

Randy’s other call is from Ursula, his ex. Ursula says she wants to talk to Randy about getting back together. Randy is startled by this since Ursula had proclaimed her love for Gerry in Randy’s laundry room at a party weeks before Randy and Ursula broke up. Randy did like Pepsi but saw Ursula as the sure thing and invited her over. Randy switches back over to Nicole who is yelling at Sara with an A and Sarah with an H to leave her alone. Randy tells Nicole to calm down, and then Nicole gets another call. This time it’s Jesse. He tells her he’s on his way home because Jesse’s father’s brother Franklin’s soulmate Tim had a mental breakdown. They will arrive tomorrow.

Sara with an A and Sarah with an H give up on Nicole and return to the living room couch. Nicole switches back over to Randy. Randy says he never said a word to Pepsi that Nicole could only ever love one man, Jesse. Nicole asks Randy why Pepsi would scold her then. Randy tells Nicole that Pepsi is in love with Jesse. Pepsi is convinced Randy is talking about her on the phone and snatches it out of his hand. Nicole hangs up upon hearing Pepsi’s voice and walks out of the bathroom only to find Sara with an A and Sarah with an H kissing on Jesse’s family’s couch. Nicole storms out of the room. Pepsi raps Randy over the head with the phone. She demands to know who he was talking to. Randy tells her it was Ursula.

Sara with an A and Sarah with an H finish their kiss and decide to check on Nicole again. Nicole is not in the bathroom. The two Sarahs, one with an H and one with A, fear Nicole has seen their kiss. Both have feelings for Nicole and become extremely concerned. Nicole is in the kitchen contemplating her lesbianism. She adores Sara with an A but could only ever love Jesse. Jesse is on his way home from Lebanon. Sara with an A is sucking the face of Sarah with an H in the next room. Nicole decides she will no longer be a lesbian and devote all her love to Jesse. Jesse will learn the truth about his girlfriend Sarah with an H’s own lesbian tendencies when he arrives home tomorrow. Nicole is sure that after hearing this Jesse will be unable to ignore Nicole and her voluptuous breasts. Nicole decides to take a walk.

Randy is in a shouting match with Pepsi who cannot figure why she is in a shouting match. She is a jealous person and can only think about Jesse, the man she loves. Standing in her way, are Jesse’s girlfriend Sarah with an H, the lesbian Nicole who unbeknownst to Pepsi is no longer a lesbian, and the way this story is going, her confidant Randy likely loves Jesse too. He does not. He likes Pepsi but is settling for his ex, Ursula, who should be arriving any moment now.

It is, in fact, Gerry who is the man that loves Jesse. Gerry is gay and has always been gay despite the aforementioned, laundry-room fiasco with Ursula. He was only testing the water and working to cover up his gayness publicly. Pepsi storms out of Randy’s house.

Jesse is on a plane home from Lebanon. Randy is alone at home having just been left by Pepsi and waiting for the arrival of Ursula. Gerry is frustrated by not being able to express his homosexuality and his love for Jesse. He decides to visit Jesse and tell him. The two Sarahs, one with an H and one with an A, leave Jesse’s house to look for Nicole. Their kiss was, like Gerry’s mounting of Ursula in the laundry room, an experiment and only intensified their lesbian feelings for Nicole. Sarah with an H has nearly forgotten about her boyfriend Jesse. She wishes he’d arrive home early, so she can dump him for Nicole. Nicole, who has a head start on the two Sarahs, is the only one who knows that Jesse is on a plane home from Lebanon.

Pepsi meets Ursula coming out of Randy’s house. Pepsi, being a jealous person and thinking it was Ursula who Randy was talking on the phone to about Jesse, shouts at Ursual, warning her not to tell anyone anything about her plans to marry Jesse. Ursula, of course, didn’t know about these plans and is stunned about Pepsi’s aggression, and marriage plans. All Ursula ever wanted was sex because she is a nymphomaniac, which explains her sudden turn for the gay Gerry and her longing to return to the arms of Randy who waits for her in his bedroom on the second floor.

Meanwhile on his way to Jesse’s, Gerry runs into Nicole literally. They knock heads, and Nicole falls to the ground, presumably unconscious. Sarah with an H and Sara with an A arrive on the scene quite concerned to find Nicole to be lying on the sidewalk. Nicole wakes up, sees Gerry, and due to the severity of the blow thinks Gerry is Jesse. The Sarahs and Gerry, for the time being, shrug off her hallucinations and carry her back to Jesse’s house, which Nicole is supposed to be housesitting anyway while Jesse’s family is in Lebanon. Of course, only Nicole knows that they’re on a plane home at this very moment.

Pepsi ends her berating of the innocent sex fiend Ursula and marches off. Ursula marches up to Randy’s room on the second floor and begins foreplay. Pepsi continues her march towards Jesse’s house because she is determined to find out why Nicole is there. Gerry marches, with Nicole in his arms and the two Sarahs behind him, into Jesse’s house. He sets Nicole down on Jesse’s family’s couch, the same couch on which Nicole kissed Sara with an A and Sara with an A kissed Sarah with an H only hours earlier. Nicole still believes Gerry is Jesse, and for the first time other than when she told Randy, Nicole confesses that Jesse is the only man she could ever love.

The two Sarahs, one with an H and one with an A, are stunned because they are now lesbians in love with Nicole. Gerry is stunned because he loves Jesse too. Pepsi who has always planned to marry Jesse walks in looking to kick Nicole’s ass for trying to steal Jesse away. She finds Nicole saying that she loves Gerry even though Nicole thinks Gerry is Jesse. Sarah with an H and Sara with an A have now realized Nicole is a lost cause, and they turn to the couch’s accompanying love seat to make love to one another.

Pepsi, being a very jealous person and seeing Nicole’s false love for Gerry, becomes fascinated by Gerry’s beauty. She begins to flirt with Gerry who is indeed very gay. Nicole, having long been a lesbian, welcomes Pepsi to the couch with her and Gerry, who she thinks is Jesse. Gerry allows Pepsi and Nicole to have him because he is fully conscious that even though he is gay, he will very shortly achieve the dream of every straight man alive: to have sex with two chicks at the same time. And he feels obligated not to pass that up. He suggests they go to the laundry room, but the suggestion is never taken seriously.

The following afternoon, Jesse and his family arrive at their house having left Lebanon early due to Jesse’s father’s brother Franklin’s soulmate Tim having a nervous breakdown. Upon entering the living room, Jesse and his family find Gerry, who they’d always presumed gay, naked on the couch with Pepsi and Nicole, a previously thought to be lesbian and, without a doubt, their housesitter. They also find Sara with an A on the couch, entangled nakedly with Jesse’s girlfriend, Sarah with an H. They do not see Randy who has forgotten about Pepsi and is happily reunited and wildly porking his ex-girlfriend Ursula in Randy’s bedroom.

Jesse stands in the middle of his living room, perplexed and jet-lagged. Jesse’s father’s wife Pilar is sickened from the site of Jesse’s naked friends on the upholstery of her couch and love seat. Jesse’s father is rattled, both from his brother Franklin’s soulmate Tim’s nervous breakdown and of course from the naked teens in his living room. He is overcome with thirst, and he heads to the refrigerator where he pours himself a glass of Kool-Aid out of a pitcher that contained poisonous plant food and was used by Jesse’s family to water the house plants.

And that is how Jesse’s father died.

© 2005 Nick Holle, All Rights Reserved.