FLYMF.com - Hilarious Fiction


	Hilarious Fiction *Bob* “Found out the night she left, the only thing she ever wanted was to boink Nolan Ryan.” by Nick Holle *The Other Half of Genius* An epiphany from God sends a man on a drunken, lazy quest. by Jonathan Hoferle *Evil Forces Surround Me* “Everyone knows that gray squirrels and black squirrels are natural enemies and would never thus collaborate, unless they were conspiring to harass me with their dark magic.” by Dale Dobson Hostel II Screenwriter's Meeting The artists behind the first film brainstorm ways to give you more gore for your dollar. by James Seidler *Cheese, Crackers, And Passive-Aggressive Warfare* The first rule of engaging in passive-aggressive warfare: don't admit you’re engaging in passive-aggressive warfare. by Pamela Light The Apology “I’m supposed to remember Peaches is allergic to raspberries? He’s a toucan! They love fruit! They love it so much a cereal company here in the States decided to use a toucan as the animated frontman for a cereal called Fruit Loops!” By Jean-Pierre Lacrampe Ted Stevens, Congressional Dick The senior Senator from Alaska puts his sleuthing skills to work in a legislative whodunnit. by James Seidler Nobody Likes My Pink Shiny Miniskirt Except Me “I learned a lot about that man yesterday. For one thing, he doesn’t love me and never has. But he also doesn’t love pink shiny miniskirts, and I think that part hurts more.” by Laura Callier *Hit and Run* “We've got to call the cops...or an ambulance! There's a badly injured naked guy out here who needs help!” by David Gianatasio *My Washington Romance* A whirlwind tour of loose cash, fine art, and seduction at the hands of the elderly by Laura Callier The Ballooning of Muffins The simple story of a man, his dog, and her diet by Jean-Pierre Lacrampe *Seeing Other People* “I told you I was never going to leave you, and you said, “Jesus Christ, what do I have to do to get you out of my life? Hit you with my goddamn car?” And then you did.” by Laura Callier A Love Letter To Giardia Lamblia, The Parasite Formerly Living In My Small Intestine “I know you have no arms, legs, or central nervous system, but Gia, have you no shame?” by Wayne Gladstone *Dhaka Ltd.* "I asked what the hell they knew about writing ad copy in Bangladesh.They told me they knew enough about it to do it for a quarter of what they paid me and to have my desk cleared out by the afternoon." by James Seidler A Jacket's Sentimental Ties “Mr. Duffy made recurring references to an “interesting photograph” he had—once again “mistakenly”—uncovered. With a wince, I comprehended precisely which jacket and photograph our friend Duffy was so enthusiastically referring to. An accidental goddammit may have escaped my lips. by Jean-Pierre Lacrampe *Memoirs of a Shiksa* “I don’t remember many of the details because I left soon after we arrived. I do, however, remember someone challenging me to perform a cartwheel in the mailroom. I believe it was Chris W., but it could very well have been Chris P.—whichever one speaks Spanish.” by Lori Sichtermann The Humanitarian Brent Miller wants to bring comfort to the Middle East…one woman at a time. by James Seidler Tonto’s Shocking Discovery “This past weekend, I took my family to the Globe to see the new show by this Shakespeare fella. I was not impressed, to say the least. I have never seen such filth in my life.” by Bobby D. Lux An Old-fashioned Game Of Telephone It’s not easy convincing the National Security Agency that they misheard you. by James Seidler Small Town Sexy The most recent victim in my small town’s battle with corporate America was my favorite art gallery, Maude’s Numbers and Colors, which was replaced by a Thomas Kinkade gallery. Thomas Kinkade markets himself as a “painter of light.” Maude, on the other hand, marketed herself as a “painter by numbers.” by Bill McConnell Black Santa He just wants to give out gifts…but the man keeps bringing him down. by James Seidler Elf Confidential “I work 10 a.m. until close, which is 10 p.m. on the weekends. The hours are long, I’m on my feet all day, but honestly I’m too old for dwarf tossing.” by Andrew Dombrowski Observations About Jury Duty “After the case, the media wanted to ask us a bunch of questions about how we came to our conclusion, but I just told them to stuff it, that we wouldn’t be made into animals, and they could just wait another three months for the book to come out.” by Bill McConnell Detective Dog: The Case Of The Missing Shoe “Wait, what’s going on here?” by James Seidler Incomplete Reunion “She might have come right out and asked him just that, but with his strong arm around her, his muscular body pressed up against her, she couldn’t let little things like pride and IQ come between her body and his.” by Amanda Rodell eBay Feedback: My Lord And Savior "You can't get your license taken away for driving under the influence of positive feedback. " by Nick Holle What's A Wallace To Do? "I live in a flat with no stove, eating canned tuna for dinner while the Darwin’s are living it up across town..." by James Seidler How To Make A Baby A tale of sex, conception, and the debilitating terror that accompanies the creation of a new life. by Robert Levin *A FLYMF Ghost Story* “It was a moan, low and terrible, repeated in a crescendo chorus and punctuated with occasional sprays from my aerosol deodorant. From the bathroom door wafted the subtle tones of musk and the thick stench of terror.” by James Seidler Sex With A Very Large Woman “Now it’s not that I mind Barry Manilow all that much, but the more appropriate musical accompaniment to the night’s activities would have been the theme from ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark.’” by Robert Levin The Worst Story Ever "She had curves in all the right places and was a lady that knew how to use them to her advantage. Or so I assumed as she had on a long overcoat and I couldn’t afford to be caught staring." by Bobby D. Lux The Fraternal Guard It's Animal House meets the Nazi Youth as Herr Schwimmer is called upon to set the boys of Sigma Alpha Neu straight. by James Seidler *Good Advice Jars The Ear* "I ate Chinese food tonight, which tastes a lot better than eating the actual Chinese. Generally." by Nick Holle Don't Worry, Ted "Anyway, like I said, you don't have to worry about a thing. The girl? She's not going to press charges. And neither are her parents." by Nick Holle Adventures In Time Travel "So, here's something many people don't know about me: I practice voodoo. I'm pretty good at it too." by Bobby D. Lux Catch Up "I know it's no formal education like yours, Wendelstad, but I guarantee you I could freebase the crap outta ya." by Nick Holle A Simple Love Octagon It’s that time-honored, traditional story of an entangled, eight-person relationship web that results in death by Kool-Aid. by Nick Holle A Good Drummer Is Hard To Find “Our drummer went born-again on us this morning.” by James Seidler Scenes From Behind The Counter At 7/11 “Day by day I waited, hoping this would be the day she happened to chance upon the true love that pined for her behind the counter, helpfully nametagged ‘Ken.’” by James Seidler Summer Work “The DOT needs traffic. The more the merrier. Basically, the more traffic on the streets, the more people complain, and the more money gets handed over to correct the problems.” by Allen Coyle My Father, The Matchmaker "When I agreed to go on my first and only blind date, it wasn't because I was looking for a possible love match, a prospect for commitment or another potential amorous distraction. My father made me do it and he never apologized." by Melissa Rosen The Babs T-Shirt It's Barbra Streisand’s half-birthday, our hero has got the day off, his ex-girlfriend is in the hospital, and flamethrowers are on sale. by Nick Holle An American In Europe "If Prior threw a shutout and I wasn’t able to start him because we weren’t able to get this country into the 20th century following the Big One, I'm going to punch some Guido in the face. Mark my words." by James Seidler Charlie's Hamsters "Charlie comes from my dead dog, Chuck. He was hit by two hopped-up metal heads in a pickup truck." by Amanda Rodell Nice Joe Nagelberg “The thing about Joe is––besides being one of the best guys in the whole world––he’s a drop-dead ringer for Matt Damon. ” by Nick Holle *A Fortnight's Lament* “Lately, I’ve been thinking that I’m an intellectual snob. And I’ve been thinking that maybe I should start telling people who I think might not know. But they probably wouldn’t get it anyway.” by Elizabeth Saas 300 At Tyke's “Sparky McGillicuddy’s rise to future Hall-of-Fame status had been a bumpy one, paved with late nights, fist fights, broken furniture, and the cute little girl clown from the famous traveling circus. Paul adroitly chronicled it all.” by Rob Allin Walls "To be fair, Hank had not intended to punch out the maitre d’." An interactive FLYMF experience by Michael Zimmer *Road Pirate Trip Log* Marauders of the asphalt pathways struggle with the reality of Los Angeles traffic. by James Seidler