FLYMF.com - Gutbusting Shorts & Skits

May Whorescopes
We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!
by Angela Lovell

Toontown Personals
"Attractive, accented European couple seeks moose, squirrel."
by Dale Dobson

Conclusions To Long-running Comic Strips
“Ol’ Marmaduke? Bat bit him, must’ve been three winters back. Pa had to put him down behind the shed…a sad day that was.”
by James Seidler

Twilight Zone Episodes For The Internet Age
"A woman goes to Amazon.com and writes a review for a book she’s just finished. It’s informative, polite, and well-expressed, but she only gives the book two stars. Later, she finds that she’s received dozens of unhelpful votes."
by Ralph Gamelli

Reduced Circumstances
A play-by-play response to some of life’s lesser tragedies.
by David G.

April Whorescopes
We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!
by Angela Lovell

My Letter To Me, FLYMF
FLYMF is three years old, so it’s time to pat itself on the back.
by FLYMF

Educational Board Games
Looking for something new to play with the family on Saturday night? Give Oligopoly or BrandyLand a try.
by Dale Dobson

Writer’s Guidelines For The Salt
Lick Review
“Poetry: It must never rhyme. If you send us rhyming poetry we will smear it with cat feces and return it to you in a window envelope.”
by Larry Gaffney

March Whorescopes
We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!
by Angela Lovell

Abandoned Muppet Film Projects
Controversy derails Kermit’s attempts to move beyond
Treasure Island and Christmas Carol into more ambitious
territory.
by Dale Dobson

February Whorescopes
We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!
by Angela Lovell

“Sly” Nostalgia
Through my vast network of Hollywood connections, which include cabbies, spiritual gurus, and actors trying to make it as waiters, I’ve uncovered the latest Stallone vehicles that are set to take advantage of this whole nostalgia trip.
by Bobby D. Lux

January Whorescopes
We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!
by Angela Lovell

Parent Teacher Conference
It’s always rough letting parents know that their child is a filthy-mouthed son of a bitch.
by Dan Burt

Bush Family Christmas Letter
"I was going to do a book reading to commemorate the school’s opening, but we all know what happened the last time I did that, so we decided to pass."
by James Seidler

December Whorescopes
We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!
by Angela Lovell

The Gift
“I wasn’t sure what type of boy you’d turn out to be, so I didn’t buy you a present on this, your eighteenth birthday. By the way, if you’ve become a famous singer or sports star, please let me know.”
by Jean-Pierre Lacrampe

Prematurely Pruned
“I was going to take vitamins! I was going to start eating spinach! Wait, were we still having that countrywide spinach/bacteria recall? Okay, screw the spinach!”
by Laura Callier

Notes On Contributors
LON HARTWICK teaches Creative Writing at the University of Texas, El Paso.“I live on the range with three dogs and a moribund pickup, and I play bass and keyboards in a Zydeco band.” Good for you, asshole.
by Larry Gaffney

November Whorescopes
We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!
by Angela Lovell

Tossers
Here are a few things that I have been thinking about lately…
by Nick Holle

Short-lived Retail Franchises
Find out why the Family Christian Fetish Shoppe and the Jack Shack didn’t make it to your local mall.
by Dale Dobson

October Whorescopes
We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!
by Angela Lovell

The Pirates of Swenxof
X marks the spot on the saltiest bastards to ever sail the four oceans.
by Bobby D. Lux

September Whorescopes
We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!
by Angela Lovell

Superman Returns
"Lois Lane. Seriously? You should hear Superman when nobody’s around, talking like Tupac about ‘this bitch’ and
‘I don’t love that ho.’”
by Batman

August Whorescopes
We all know where you've been...find out where you're going.
by Angela Lovell

The Orson Welles Sketchbook
A list of alternate Rosebud revelations discarded by the makers of Citizen Kane.
by David G.

A Million Little Pieces Of Bullshit
“I don't know if it's the lingering guilt from my affair with my priest or my Bird Flu, but I'm definitely not as tough as I used to be.”
by Josh Mitchell

July Whorescopes
"We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!"
by Angela Lovell

Welcome To The Team!
Wenton’s Fluorescents’ promotes a free-thinking atmosphere for our workers. Feel free to call managers by their first names (With the exception of Mr. Wenton); feel free to dress any way you see fit, as long as most people would unilaterally classify it as tasteful; basically, feel free to feel free.
By Jean-Pierre Lacrampe

June Whorescopes
"We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!"
by Angela Lovell

My Fetishist Things
Sing along with the S & M version of the Sound of Music classic.
by J.D. Smith

May Whorescopes
"We all know where you've been...find out where you're going."
by Angela Lovell

The Solution To America's Problems
“To find a balanced answer to the current issues of illegal immigration and programming for upcoming summer re-runs, I, Bobby D. Lux, propose a new genre of illegal immigration reality TV.”
by Bobby D. Lux

April Whorescopes
We all know where you've been...find out where you're going."
by Angela Lovell

March Whorescopes
"We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!"
by Angela Lovell

Vegas Wedding
“Like every decision in life, the one over a Vegas marriage is
rife with positives and negatives. It’s worth a moment of our
time to examine both.”
By Bobby D. Lux

HPV Is Going To Be Great!
“When my cousin starts complaining about his future with a colostomy bag, I can interrupt him, and talk about the warts
that might be growing on my cervix!”
by Laura Callier

February Whorescopes
"We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!"
by Angela Lovell

January Whorescopes
We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!
by Angela Lovell

December Whorescopes
We all know where you've been... find out where you're going!
by Angela Lovell

FLYMF Fantasy Work
A new way to be rewarded for your laziness at the office. Start a league with your friends today.
by James Seidler

Batman Begins
"He got twelve good years with them and then scored a shitload of cash after they got whacked. I got about an hour and a half with mom and dad and then I got sent to another planet. Another planet! Because my race of people was about to die off!"
by Superman (Bobby D. Lux, editor)

Wyld Stallyns on Thorazine
"Get ready to rake in the big bucks, as we at FLYMF show you how to rip off old movies for some easy
pitches for next summer’s big blockbuster."
by James Seidler

Low Moments In P.R. History
Jerry Lee Lewis comes clean about his marriage to Mya Lee Breckenridge, age 13.
by James Seidler

Wazzit
"All across the nation, people have learned how to avoid the high cost of cemetery plots. Nowadays, you simply place a grave marker, not where your loved ones have been laid to rest, but at the location of their death."
by John Jones

Leroy's Movie Minute
"The Movie Reviewers of America already took away my guild card for the 'Sixth Sense Incident.' All I have left is reviewing classic films for this crummy humor site, and it looks like I’ve blown that one too."
by Leroy Taylor

The Bard Battle Tape Remix
The Bard of Avon takes on the Rhymemaster
of the South Bronx.
by Elizabeth Olson and John Mullen

O'Neill 'Scopes' An Early Career
The father of American theater takes a job as a court reporter at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" to pay his bills, as well as hone his emerging style.
by Bobby D. Lux

Mike Tyson Movie Reviews
Iron Mike gives his thoughts on Clint’s Million Dollar Baby
by Mike Tyson

More Mad Libs For Modern Times
More fill-in-the-blank guidance for those rough moments in life. Talk yourself out of a traffic ticket, write a thank you note, or pick up chicks, all with the magic of Mad Libs!
by James Seidler

Seventy-five Things You Can Do
With A Hairdryer
Sitting alone at home on a Saturday night? You're goddamned right it's time get out that fun-at-any-time hair dryer.
by Janalynn Bliss & Caroline Frost & Nick Holle

The Poop Doctor's "Enjoy Your Bliss."
FLYMF introduces the only nationally syndicated advice column devoted completely and entirely to the world’s most common pastime: pooping.
by Dr. Aloysius “Billy” Nunama

Solving Your Money Problems The Easy Way
In his latest installment of “Advice From An Idiot,” Chad Lowry tells you how to cash-in in small claims court.
by Chad Lowry

When The Camera Stopped Rolling
The untold story about the Nixon-Kennedy debates, their impact on politics, and J.F.K.’s real middle name.
by Bobby D. Lux

A Lament on the Dearth of
Hootenanies and Moonshine
“Everyone can wear their own overalls and plaid shirts
and sing un-ironic songs about loss, love, redemption, pets,
shotgun weddings and shotgun deaths.”
by Peter Sanders

Cellular Copperfield
"But she did have an affair, Bill, full of mystery and
intrigue. With David Copperfield. Not from the Dickens
novel. The magician.”
by Nick Holle

The Clown
“A street-squeegee jester shows Jim Salisbury the
harsh underside of life in Tinseltown.”
by Jim Salisbury

Chasing Moby
An exploration of the unspoken relationship between
Captain Ahab and the White Whale.
by Dan Burt

Mad Libs For Modern Times
Not sure what to say at your great-uncle’s funeral? Cheating
on your boyfriend because you don’t know how to break up
with him? Worry no longer! Let FLYMF and the magic of
Mad Libs do the work for you.
by James Seidler

Make Me Feel Good Macky Donalds!
In the latest installment of his acclaimed “Oh Daddy
Why?” series, Peter Sanders laments change at his
favorite fast-food restaurant.
by Peter Sanders

Wilford's Wish
A heartrending tale of a boy and his secret desire.
by Matthew Kirsch

How To Propose
A pragmatic guide to popping the question.
by Chad Lowry

Seidler Killed Me
"The story is as old as stories themselves: a beautiful
woman, a houseplant who loved her, and the son of
a bitch who got in the way."
by Heriberto the Houseplant

On Summer Vacation
"Unfortunately, this country has lost the tradition of exploitative child labor that made it great."
by James Seidler

Hogwarsh
Doing laundry is a metaphor for metaphors about doing laundry.
by Nick Holle

The Wolfman At The Bus Stop
"I don’t go around telling you you’re a monster because you have male pattern baldness, do I?"
by James Seidler


	Gutbusting Shorts & Skits *May Whorescopes* We all know where you've been...find out where you're going! by Angela Lovell *Toontown Personals* "Attractive, accented European couple seeks moose, squirrel." by Dale Dobson *As A Matter of Fact, I Am The Person You Have to Blow To Get A Table Around Here* by J.D. Smith Conclusions To Long-running Comic Strips “Ol’ Marmaduke? Bat bit him, must’ve been three winters back. Pa had to put him down behind the shed…a sad day that was.” by James Seidler Twilight Zone Episodes For The Internet Age "A woman goes to Amazon.com and writes a review for a book she’s just finished. It’s informative, polite, and well-expressed, but she only gives the book two stars. Later, she finds that she’s received dozens of unhelpful votes." by Ralph Gamelli *Reduced Circumstances* A play-by-play response to some of life’s lesser tragedies. by David G. *Abbott And Costello Meet Larry David* “Didn’t you hear the way he asked me that? Where would JEW like it delivered?” by Dale Dobson *April Whorescopes* We all know where you've been...find out where you're going! by Angela Lovell My Letter To Me, FLYMF FLYMF is three years old, so it’s time to pat itself on the back. by FLYMF *Educational Board Games* Looking for something new to play with the family on Saturday night? Give Oligopoly or BrandyLand a try. by Dale Dobson Writer’s Guidelines For The Salt Lick Review “Poetry: It must never rhyme. If you send us rhyming poetry we will smear it with cat feces and return it to you in a window envelope.” by Larry Gaffney March Whorescopes We all know where you've been...find out where you're going! by Angela Lovell *Abandoned Muppet Film Projects* Controversy derails Kermit’s attempts to move beyond Treasure Island and Christmas Carol into more ambitious territory. by Dale Dobson February Whorescopes We all know where you've been...find out where you're going! by Angela Lovell *“Sly” Nostalgia* Through my vast network of Hollywood connections, which include cabbies, spiritual gurus, and actors trying to make it as waiters, I’ve uncovered the latest Stallone vehicles that are set to take advantage of this whole nostalgia trip. by Bobby D. Lux January Whorescopes We all know where you've been...find out where you're going! by Angela Lovell *How Long Before I Use My Ejector Seat?* Sometimes you need more than just manners to resolve an awkward drive. by Ralph Gamelli *Parent Teacher Conference* It’s always rough letting parents know that their child is a filthy-mouthed son of a bitch. by Dan Burt Scene From A Creative Writing Seminar Conducted By David Milch The brain behind Deadwood shares secrets on the artistic merits of zombies and cocksucking. by Larry Gaffney *Bush Family Christmas Letter* "I was going to do a book reading to commemorate the school’s opening, but we all know what happened the last time I did that, so we decided to pass." by James Seidler *December Whorescopes* We all know where you've been...find out where you're going! by Angela Lovell The Gift “I wasn’t sure what type of boy you’d turn out to be, so I didn’t buy you a present on this, your eighteenth birthday. By the way, if you’ve become a famous singer or sports star, please let me know.” by Jean-Pierre Lacrampe Prematurely Pruned “I was going to take vitamins! I was going to start eating spinach! Wait, were we still having that countrywide spinach/bacteria recall? Okay, screw the spinach!” by Laura Callier Notes On Contributors LON HARTWICK teaches Creative Writing at the University of Texas, El Paso.“I live on the range with three dogs and a moribund pickup, and I play bass and keyboards in a Zydeco band.” Good for you, asshole. by Larry Gaffney The Best Saturday Night Live Skits That Never Aired The classics that would have made us crack up, if they actually existed. by Wayne Gladstone *November Whorescopes* We all know where you've been...find out where you're going! by Angela Lovell Tossers Here are a few things that I have been thinking about lately… by Nick Holle Short-lived Retail Franchises Find out why the Family Christian Fetish Shoppe and the Jack Shack didn’t make it to your local mall. by Dale Dobson *October Whorescopes* We all know where you've been...find out where you're going! by Angela Lovell *The Pirates of Swenxof* X marks the spot on the saltiest bastards to ever sail the four oceans. by Bobby D. Lux September Whorescopes We all know where you've been...find out where you're going! by Angela Lovell *Selected E-mails From Cabot Sinclair, Literary Agent And Really Nice Guy* “Trust me, no publisher is going to touch Who Would Jesus Fk?How to Pleasure Your Christian Man Until He Howls Hosannas to the Heavens on High. “ by Larry Gaffney *Superman Returns* "Lois Lane. Seriously? You should hear Superman when nobody’s around, talking like Tupac about ‘this bitch’ and ‘I don’t love that ho.’” by Batman *New Ways For President Bush To Disregard The Constitution* "Replace annual State of the Union Address with gladiatorial deathmatch featuring Russ Feingold and the lost conscience of John McCain." by James Seidler August Whorescopes We all know where you've been...find out where you're going. by Angela Lovell The Orson Welles Sketchbook A list of alternate Rosebud revelations discarded by the makers of Citizen Kane. by David G. A Million Little Pieces Of Bullshit “I don't know if it's the lingering guilt from my affair with my priest or my Bird Flu, but I'm definitely not as tough as I used to be.” by Josh Mitchell *July Whorescopes* "We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!" by Angela Lovell *Welcome To The Team!* Wenton’s Fluorescents’ promotes a free-thinking atmosphere for our workers. Feel free to call managers by their first names (With the exception of Mr. Wenton); feel free to dress any way you see fit, as long as most people would unilaterally classify it as tasteful; basically, feel free to feel free. By Jean-Pierre Lacrampe *June Whorescopes* "We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!" by Angela Lovell *My Fetishist Things* Sing along with the S & M version of the Sound of Music classic. by J.D. Smith May Whorescopes "We all know where you've been...find out where you're going." by Angela Lovell The Solution To America's Problems “To find a balanced answer to the current issues of illegal immigration and programming for upcoming summer re-runs, I, Bobby D. Lux, propose a new genre of illegal immigration reality TV.” by Bobby D. Lux April Whorescopes We all know where you've been...find out where you're going." by Angela Lovell March Whorescopes "We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!" by Angela Lovell *Vegas Wedding* “Like every decision in life, the one over a Vegas marriage is rife with positives and negatives. It’s worth a moment of our time to examine both.” By Bobby D. Lux HPV Is Going To Be Great! “When my cousin starts complaining about his future with a colostomy bag, I can interrupt him, and talk about the warts that might be growing on my cervix!” by Laura Callier *February Whorescopes* "We all know where you've been...find out where you're going!" by Angela Lovell A Poem I Wrote Reluctantly "Poetry is boring." by Nick Holle January Whorescopes We all know where you've been...find out where you're going! by Angela Lovell December Whorescopes We all know where you've been... find out where you're going! by Angela Lovell FLYMF Fantasy Work A new way to be rewarded for your laziness at the office. Start a league with your friends today. by James Seidler Batman Begins "He got twelve good years with them and then scored a shitload of cash after they got whacked. I got about an hour and a half with mom and dad and then I got sent to another planet. Another planet! Because my race of people was about to die off!" by Superman (Bobby D. Lux, editor) Wyld Stallyns on Thorazine "Get ready to rake in the big bucks, as we at FLYMF show you how to rip off old movies for some easy pitches for next summer’s big blockbuster." by James Seidler *Low Moments In P.R. History* Jerry Lee Lewis comes clean about his marriage to Mya Lee Breckenridge, age 13. by James Seidler Wazzit "All across the nation, people have learned how to avoid the high cost of cemetery plots. Nowadays, you simply place a grave marker, not where your loved ones have been laid to rest, but at the location of their death." by John Jones *Leroy's Movie Minute* "The Movie Reviewers of America already took away my guild card for the 'Sixth Sense Incident.' All I have left is reviewing classic films for this crummy humor site, and it looks like I’ve blown that one too." by Leroy Taylor The Bard Battle Tape Remix The Bard of Avon takes on the Rhymemaster of the South Bronx. by Elizabeth Olson and John Mullen O'Neill 'Scopes' An Early Career The father of American theater takes a job as a court reporter at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" to pay his bills, as well as hone his emerging style. by Bobby D. Lux Mike Tyson Movie Reviews Iron Mike gives his thoughts on Clint’s Million Dollar Baby by Mike Tyson More Mad Libs For Modern Times More fill-in-the-blank guidance for those rough moments in life. Talk yourself out of a traffic ticket, write a thank you note, or pick up chicks, all with the magic of Mad Libs! by James Seidler Excerpts From Claus, Santa's Unauthorized Biography The real dirt on the fat man. A FLYMF exclusive. by James Seidler Seventy-five Things You Can Do With A Hairdryer Sitting alone at home on a Saturday night? You're goddamned right it's time get out that fun-at-any-time hair dryer. by Janalynn Bliss & Caroline Frost & Nick Holle The Poop Doctor's "Enjoy Your Bliss." FLYMF introduces the only nationally syndicated advice column devoted completely and entirely to the world’s most common pastime: pooping. by Dr. Aloysius “Billy” Nunama Solving Your Money Problems The Easy Way In his latest installment of “Advice From An Idiot,” Chad Lowry tells you how to cash-in in small claims court. by Chad Lowry When The Camera Stopped Rolling The untold story about the Nixon-Kennedy debates, their impact on politics, and J.F.K.’s real middle name. by Bobby D. Lux A Lament on the Dearth of Hootenanies and Moonshine “Everyone can wear their own overalls and plaid shirts and sing un-ironic songs about loss, love, redemption, pets, shotgun weddings and shotgun deaths.” by Peter Sanders Cellular Copperfield "But she did have an affair, Bill, full of mystery and intrigue. With David Copperfield. Not from the Dickens novel. The magician.” by Nick Holle The Clown “A street-squeegee jester shows Jim Salisbury the harsh underside of life in Tinseltown.” by Jim Salisbury *Chasing Moby* An exploration of the unspoken relationship between Captain Ahab and the White Whale. by Dan Burt *Mad Libs For Modern Times* Not sure what to say at your great-uncle’s funeral? Cheating on your boyfriend because you don’t know how to break up with him? Worry no longer! Let FLYMF and the magic of Mad Libs do the work for you. by James Seidler Make Me Feel Good Macky Donalds! In the latest installment of his acclaimed “Oh Daddy Why?” series, Peter Sanders laments change at his favorite fast-food restaurant. by Peter Sanders Wilford's Wish A heartrending tale of a boy and his secret desire. by Matthew Kirsch How To Propose A pragmatic guide to popping the question. by Chad Lowry *Seidler Killed Me* "The story is as old as stories themselves: a beautiful woman, a houseplant who loved her, and the son of a bitch who got in the way." by Heriberto the Houseplant On Summer Vacation "Unfortunately, this country has lost the tradition of exploitative child labor that made it great." by James Seidler *Hogwarsh* Doing laundry is a metaphor for metaphors about doing laundry. by Nick Holle The Wolfman At The Bus Stop "I don’t go around telling you you’re a monster because you have male pattern baldness, do I?" by James Seidler