FLYMF Fantasy Work
by James Seidler

As fantasy versions of traditional sports become more and more popular, we here at FLYMF have decided to cash in on the trend…uh, serve our readers…by providing an opportunity for non-sports fans to waste time and alienate their loved ones.

The rules: Use the magic of the internet to get a fantasy work league together with friends, coworkers, or complete strangers. Keep score using the official FLYMF Fantasy Work Scoresheet. Dock yourself a point for every hour that you spend commuting to work and/or in the office, and adjust your score by the bonus categories listed below.

Feel free to modify the rules to better reflect your own working environment. For instance, if you work in a coal mine, you may want to include bonus points for personalizing your headlamp and negative points for dying in a cave-in.

In the cubicle

Manage fantasy sports team: +1

Conduct fantasy sports draft: +6

Read FLYMF: +10

Set new FreeCell record: +6

Burn two hours “cleaning cubicle”: +2

Chair breaks—forced to spend remainder of the week sitting on a
box: -8

Busted for personal phone calls/email/internet use: -5

Forced to replace real plant with fake one: -8

Your Doonesbury cut-outs are deemed “divisive”—your boss makes you take them down: -4

Your PC is still running Windows
98: -2

Provided with a high-speed internet connection, DVD burner, and no supervision of their use: +4

Write a resume for a better job: +5

Get caught by your supervisor while looking at job postings online: -7

Work on your novel/screenplay/fan fiction/ bawdy poetry: +8

College mascot bobblehead in your cube defaced after your team’s big loss: -7

Come to the realization that your cubicle is better decorated than your apartment:
-6

Your cube develops an unexplainable funk: -8

It’s not even lunch, but you have absolutely nothing to do: -6

Around the office

Get boss to join fantasy sports
league: +8

Win office pool: +4

Attend a meeting: -1 per half hour

Cookies in the break room: +2

Wander aimlessly for twenty minutes:
+2

Forced to donate to office collection:
-4

Coffee pot empty when you go to get
a cup: -2

Receptionist wears “that” shirt: +3

Boss calls you into office for a talk: -6

Coworker cuts off conversation by
telling you they “really have to get
back to work”: -2

Take a long lunch: +5

Come back from lunch drunk: -5

Stink up the break room with your
lunch: -4

Leftovers even better than the night before: +6

Need to go grocery shopping—come to work with some crackers and a can of peaches for lunch: -8

Discover a huge stain on your shirt: -4

Payday: +10

Official Scoresheet

In the washroom

Take two or fewer bathroom breaks:
-2

Take 3-5 bathroom breaks: +1

Take more than five bathroom breaks: +3

Bring in reading material: +5

Splash water on your crotch while washing your hands: -4

No toilet paper: -8

Forced to use the bathroom while the janitor is cleaning it: -4

Sick days

Get roped into working on the weekend: -10

Invent a religious holiday: +10

Take a sick day—actually sick: -2

Take a sick day—watch tv all day: +8

Take a sick day—go to Great America: +12

Boss leaves early, and so do you: +4

Boss out of town—spend the day screwing around: +5

On vacation: +20

Contacted by the office while on vacation: -8

Outside the office

Office happy hour

-you don’t make an ass of yourself: +4

-your office enemy makes an ass of himself/herself: +6

-you spend the last half hour telling everyone how much you love them: -6

-you end up puking in the bathroom:
-10

Office softball team

-drive in the winning run: +6

-drop a fly ball to lose the game: -6

-start a fight with the other team: -10

Romance

-happily dating a co-worker: +20/week

-make out with a co-worker at the office holiday party, in full view of everyone: -8

-sexually harassed by boss: -15

-have a fling with a co-worker: +10

When fling ends badly:

-work friends forced to choose sides:
-5

-your sexual prowess is belittled: -5