by Nicholas Fleisher

Universal Pictures spies big things ahead for Jason Bourne! Following the success of 2002's espionage-thriller "The Bourne Identity," and its current sequel "The Bourne Supremacy," the studio hopes to spin the Matt Damon spy-film franchise into a multi-movie series to rival the aging James Bond juggernaut. Some future titles currently in the works:

"The Bourne Monopoly." After pulling off a daring diamond heist at the Schweizsicherheitsschamstehlenbank in Gstaad, Agent Bourne returns to his hometown of Cincinnati, where he fences the loot and proceeds to buy controlling interests in all three local television affiliates and the last remaining regional newspaper. Bourne needs a public platform to advance his own "special interest": municipal water fluoridation, for which he has been a passionate advocate ever since meeting his black-toothed half-sister from Kentucky as a teenager. As FCC agents close in, Bourne prepares for a final showdown along the banks of the Ohio.

"The Bourne Anatomy." Double-crossed by a beautiful Balinese operative, Agent Bourne finds himself languishing in a Thai prison. Only hours before he is due to be hung, Bourne regurgitates a fish bone from his last meal, turning it into the ultimate lock-picking, eye-gouging tool of escape. He lands in a seamy Bangkok brothel, where he is forced to use his only remaining "assets" just to survive. See Matt Damon in his most challenging and intimate role yet! With Scott Bakula as the mysterious millionaire patron whose smoldering curiosity offers Agent Bourne his only way out.

"The Bourne Lobotomy." Traveling on camelback through the Central Asian desert in pursuit of loose nukes, Agent Bourne is apprehended by a post-Soviet splinter group with dreams of a Kazakh super-state. Bourne, the only one who can tell them where to find the missing warheads, refuses to talk. But Nobel Prize-winning neurologist and born-again Kazakh nationalist Dr. Alfred Keebler (Kris Kristofferson) has ways of making him talk, with his diabolical procedure for extracting people's thoughts and memories directly from their brain cells! This taut political thriller keeps the audience drooling...with suspense!!

"The Bourne Facsimile." A freak ice-climbing accident claims the life of Agent Bourne's oldest friend and leads him to ponder his own mortality. Struck by the creeping crow's-feet around his eyes, Bourne trades in his two-stage rocket-pack for the three-piece suit of corporate America, quickly climbing the ranks to become regional manager of a major retailing outfit. But old habits spy hard! When Bourne's copier/fax/scanner/printer runs out of toner, he steals down to the supply closet on padded feet, disables the lone security camera, and punctures the office manager's windpipe with his Bic fine-point before making off with an armload of push-pins and the white-out that comes in the pen, not in the bottle with the brush.

"The Bourne Splenectomy." Attempting to infiltrate a drug ring at an elite South Beach high school, Agent Bourne disguises himself as a student and blends into teenage society. But after getting too close to beautiful sophomore Kay-Lynn van Cortlandt, Bourne ends up with more than he bargained for: a full-on case of mono! Bourne struggles to regain his strength as his new classmates fall victim to addiction and his doctors warn that they will have to remove his deteriorating spleen. With Joe Mantegna as the corrupt principal who's been bought and paid for by the Cuban mafia, and Beyonce Knowles as the timid bookworm who falls hard for Agent Bourne.

"The Bourne Tautology." What makes Jason Bourne the world's greatest spy? The fact that he's Jason Bourne! Hang on to your bootstraps, as Bourne's former colleagues swap stories about the superlative spy over bagels and lox at New York City's world-famous Katz's Deli.

“The Bourne Colostomy." On assignment in Scotland to recover the stolen Glasgow Goblets, Agent Bourne is laid low by food poisoning. But his symptoms refuse to go away, and Bourne soon learns that he has colorectal cancer and will require surgery. Come along on a courageous journey of hope, heart, and haggis, as Jason Bourne learns the hidden dangers of living a life on the run without the simple outpatient screenings that could have saved him. With Carrie Fisher as the survivors' group leader who puts Agent Bourne on the path to healing.

© 2004 Nicholas Fleisher, All Rights Reserved.