Democracy Is For Infidels

by Russ Fusco

In a laudable attempt to combat the growing tide of terrorist violence rocking Russia, Vladimir Putin has forbidden all use of the word “laudable.”

Pravda reports this recent effort as aimed at the “stinking Chechen scum” who have, among other things, riddled Russian security agencies with corruption, eaten all of the kielbasas in the Kremlin cellar (which the stinking Chechens put there in the first place), and recently farted to the great embarrassment of all members during a recent session of the Russian parliament. According to the report, this violation of parliamentary procedure demonstrated the ineffectiveness of that body in efforts to counteract terrorism—“If zey can vart here, zey can vart anyvere!”—and so the parliament has been subsequently dissolved, along with all forty-nine directly elected Russian governorships. In other news, the German Reichstag has burned to the ground.

As the world turns grimly toward the coming horizon, Iranian diplomats join Pyongyang cabinet members, allowed out of their cabinet especially for the occasion, to celebrate enlightened despot Kim Jung Il’s day-after-his-birthday with plutonium-enriched yellow cake and spiced cider. The guests enjoyed a spirited game of bocce ball while Kim’s team of imported French chefs prepared a sample platter of fois gras on a bed of the western province’s annual rice harvest. The fete was lauded by dictators the world over, except in Russia, where Pravda mistakenly attributed the festivities to “Chechen scum.”

Meanwhile, in Iraq, the insurgency gained new momentum as a car bomb left fifty-nine Iraqi police officers dead. Insurgents also beheaded two Turkish captives, but thankfully have humiliated none with embarrassing photographs. Republicans promised a renewed effort for a peaceful solution, as did Democrats; otherwise all parties were in complete disagreement. Taking things to the partisan level, Kerry and Bush squared off on their service records, proving again that honorable military service after 1959 doesn’t exist.

But not all good news is political, as later this month Dan Rather and Jane Fonda are to be wed in Hanoi. Sean Penn will officiate and Tim Robbins will give away the bride, with Rather himself preparing the documents on a vintage IBM Selectrix. The couple plans to visit with friends in Pyongyang before honeymooning in Hell.
In entertainment news, Michael Moore has announced plans for a new documentary, tentatively titled Saddam & Me. The film will feature many scenes of Moore doing things. There will also be an exclusive interview with Saddam Hussein in which the retired tyrant reveals, shockingly, that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. As an extra treat, Moore says he plans to include a closing credit highlight of himself singing “Mustang Sally” with the band at the Rather/Fonda wedding reception (“I was a little drunk,” admits Moore sheepishly).

And with yet another shimmering rainbow tipping over tomorrow’s clouds, this reporter must agree with all of the sage celebrities who point out that, with the world in its present state, Americans have no right to go out and mess with things. Everything is just peachy the way it is—and likely to stay that way or get even better if we would just keep our grimy fingers off. Tom Jefferson had one thing right when he set forth an unalienable right for a “pursuit” of happiness. If it’s already there, why go looking for it?

Here’s to a great today and even better tomorrow. Salud!

© 2004 Russ Fusco, All Rights Reserved.