by Nick Holle and James Seidler

Tired of hearing from all the "experts" whose plans for the country just rehash the same old bullspit? Then take a look at our plan for America, which offers common sense solutions to the problems that face us today..

Foreign Policy

Iraq: For a war that originally had fuck-all to do with terrorism, the American adventure in Iraq has rapidly devolved into a situation where American soldiers, Iraqi insurgents and foreign terrorists are blowing enough things up and killing enough innocent civilians to at least provide the “terror” part of the equation. What hopelessly complicates matters is that American soldiers are dying in an effort to protect and support a populace that no longer wants them there, but at the same time aren’t present in large enough numbers to truly guarantee security.

The FLYMF solution? Withdraw our human soldiers and replace them with chimpanzees with rocket launchers. With proper training and oversight, these Great Apes of Destruction can simultaneously hunt down insurgents, provide vital security for Iraqi citizens, and entertain both Sunni and Shiite Muslims with their hair-raising antics. After all, the esteemed Jane Goodall has demonstrated in her research that chimps are the only animal besides humans known to commit warfare, and, as a bonus, not being human they lack the slightest remorse about taking human lives.

What about the innocent civilians you ask? Uh, we’ll put sirens on the monkeys so they can get away. Or we’ll give them bananas or something.

Counterterrorism: The obvious choice for counterterrorism is to build an invisible force field around the country. But, this proves to be problematic for airplanes and quick weekend trips to Tijuana for dinner and a hooker. Plus, it’s expensive, and only a few countries around the world actually have the technology.

But what about individual force fields, force fields that would be strong enough to withstand a nuclear attack? We could build them cheaply with plastic sheeting and duct tape. Though to be completely safe we’d have to sacrifice eating, breathing, ridding ourselves of waste, and sex, we’d still be able to sit at home every night in front of the television, knowing that terror has been countered.

We could also get the world to ban religion and ideology, which would help.

Domestic Policy

Homeland Security: While the United States has to be on guard against allowing terrorists into the country, it also has to be careful to avoid alienating sympathetic Muslims and Middle Easterners through invasive racial profiling and restrictions on travel. Fortunately, there’s an easy way to make everyone happy. The solution is to build a miniature-scale model of the United States, complete with the Statue of Liberty, Washington D.C., Disneyland, Mount Rushmore, and Hollywood somewhere in the Atlantic seaboard. All foreign citizens traveling to the United States can be redirected to “mini-America” for the first week of their stay, after which, if they’ve avoided blowing anything up, they can move on to the real thing. As a bonus, all prices on “mini-USA” for food, lodging, and entertainment will approximate amusement park rates, which will provide the dual bonus of keeping America safe and giving it a little extra spending cash.

Economy: The economy is such a tricky thing to predict and maintain. That is why we here at FLYMF believe we should get rid of the economy altogether. How is this possible you ask? It’s simple. We just do what the atheists do and say it doesn’t exist. You can tell an atheist he is going to hell for not believing in God, but he will just laugh at you and say, “I don’t believe in hell.” It’s the same type of thing with the economy. An analyst will say, “Oh, the economy’s hit rock bottom.” And we’ll just shrug and say, “What economy? Everything’s fine.” A sense of confidence will be gained from realizing that we never have to worry about the economy again, and we can focus our attention on buying goods and services.

Taxes: We at FLYMF don’t understand why our country has to tax its citizens so much when we can clearly invade other countries and take their money and goods. I mean, there are hundreds of countries. Do you know how long it would take to overtake all of them and deplete everything they have of value? At least fifty years. We’d save trillions of dollars by doing this. And by stealing everything, we wouldn’t have to charge our citizens a single, solitary cent. And we could refund the money that’s already been paid by sending out nifty little refund checks in the mail next January. Sure, this tactic might piss off the other countries, but don’t forget, we all have individual force fields protecting us from any harm these countries might try to impose on us.

Jobs: An added benefit to the FLYMF tax plan is that it rids American citizens of the need to have jobs at all. Instead of spending all your time bitching about your boss, and how early you had to get up this morning, and blah, blah, blah, you can instead spend your days drinking cold beer and playing Frisbee, as our foreign
serfs ensure your lifestyle of luxury.

Of course, mandatory military service will be required of all citizens to pacify the nations we’ve conquered. We won’t bring that up until after the election though.

Corporate Responsibility: Enforcing corporate responsibility isn’t as big a task as everyone makes it out to be. Capital punishment is legal in our country. Let’s just start killing all these CEO’s and high-ranking corporate criminals. No trial. No jury. Just line them in front of a firing squad at first suspicion of wrongdoing. You don’t think that would scare these corporations into more responsible and humane business activity?

Environment: As each of the editors of FLYMF is a committed solipsist, we do not believe in the existence of each other, much less something as large and unwieldy as the natural environment. Still, just because something doesn’t exist doesn’t mean imaginary measures shouldn’t be taken to protect it. The two-part FLYMF environmental policy is as follows:

Conservation: Please see “Bugs: Man’s New Best Friend,” as featured in our September issue.

Energy Policy: The body of evidence surrounding the phenomenon of global warming has made it clear that American consumption of fossil fuels is a significant factor in the steady increase in global temperatures currently being observed. Unfortunately, scientific studies have also made it clear that only pussies take the bus. Accordingly, the only option left for America to thrive in the hot future ahead is a preemptive invasion of Canada, which should contain 90% of the world’s farmland and luxury beaches by 2010.

Education: As the film Good Will Hunting, memorably taught us, billions of dollars are wasted in the United States every year on providing an education that could obtained for free in the local library. Accordingly, we suggest that all citizens between the ages of five and eighteen be subject to mandatory lockdown within our nation’s libraries between the hours of nine to five, Monday to Friday. Presumably, given young people’s natural tendencies towards learning and self-improvement, this will create a culture of refinement and independent study that will make possible the elimination of millions of costly “teachers” across the country.

Of course, another possibility is that our nation’s libraries will become havens of lawlessness and violence reminiscent of the William Golding classic, The Lord of the Flies. Even with this outcome, students would still be learning a great deal about human nature, and those that survive would likely serve as suitable overlords for our future Canadian slaves.

Crime: As Michael Moore’s Bowling for Columbine made clear, the primary source of American’s fears regarding crime is the irresponsible, sensationalistic approach network and cable television takes towards crime reporting. With the hope of making the “If it bleeds, it leads” mindset a thing of the past, FLYMF proposes a comprehensive ban on all crime reporting in the print, television, and electronic media. Instead, these news outlets should focus on stories such as classic cars, the sweet smell of fresh flowers, and puppies, although not puppies that poop on the sidewalk without the owner cleaning it up, because failing to curb your dog is a CRIME!

© 2004 Nick Holle, James Seidler, All Rights Reserved.