by James Seidler
Struggling to find faith in a heartless world? Don’t worry, FLYMF is embarking upon a series of deity debates to settle once and for all where you’ll get the most bang out of your worship. First up: God and Zeus, mediated by Carrot Top.
Carrot Top: Hey everyone, I’m Carrot Top, taking a break from my duties with 1-800-CALLATT to mediate this tournament of the divinities. Today we’re privileged to have with us Zeus, the Greek arch-deity, as well as the Holy Ghost who needs no introduction, the savior of the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim faiths, God.
Zeus: Hey Carrot Top, pleased to be here.
God: I AM THE ALPHA AND OMEGA! MAY MY OPPONENT BE SHOWN AS THE POWERLESS IDOL HE IS!
Carrot Top: All right, great. Well, let’s get started by having both of you tell us a little bit about yourselves. God, why don’t you start?
God: I AM THE LORD, AUTHOR OF ALL CREATION, THE WELLSPRING OF ALL
Carrot Top: You know, God…regarding the whole ‘hairs on my head’ thing, what the hell happened? Was someone asleep at the switch or what?
God: (chuckles) LET’S JUST SAY, TO SOME, MUCH IS GIVEN.
Carrot Top: Yeah, well, I wish the giving would’ve been done somewhere else, if you know what I mean. Anyway, on the other side, Zeus, why don’t you say a couple things about yourself.
Zeus: OK. I’m Zeus, also known as Jupiter. I did most of my heavy hitting back when this guy was still cavorting with sheep fuckers in the desert. I like to think of myself as the Mick Jagger of my era, you know, sex-wise, you name it, I did it. I turned into a swan and banged a girl, a bull, a stream of sunlight, a smoky cloud—I was the swinger of the classic age. Other than getting laid, I was the chief of the gods, the big Z, lord of the thunderbolt. I think I’m going to have a part in that new “Troy” flick coming out with Brad Pitt, which would be cool, but you never know with movies, somehow they always manage to fuck up what really happened.
Carrot Top: Yeah, I’ve had some negative experiences with the industry myself. “Chairman of the Board” was a quality film, but they ruined it in the edit trying to add more plot.
Zeus: You just can’t trust Hollywood.
Carrot Top: Ain’t that the truth? Anyway, let’s move on. God, what do you do to kick back?
God: WELL, I SCOURED THE EARTH OF SINNERS WITH THE GREAT FLOOD, AND LATER LAID WASTE TO SODOM AND GOMORRAH BECAUSE OF ALL THAT HOMO STUFF. UMM?I SENT MY ONLY SON TO SUFFER AND DIE FOR MAN’S REDEMPTION?LET’S SEE?SINCE THEN I’VE PRETTY MUCH LIMITED MYSELF TO INSPIRING ANGRY LETTERS AGAINST EVOLUTIONARY BIOLOGISTS AND HAVING A FEW TEARS LEAK OUT OF SOME STATUES.
Carrot Top: Is there anything else you have a hand in? What about deciding who wins the Super Bowl?
God: OH YEAH, I DO THAT TOO. BUT I LEAVE THE REGULAR SEASON TO THE ARCHANGELS.
Carrot Top: Cool, let’s talk point spreads after this. Anyway, how about you Zeus, what do you do in your free time?
Zeus: I fuck things.
Carrot Top: OK, fair enough. Moving on to the next question, Zeus, what would you say is your proudest achievement?
Zeus: Well, most people don’t know this, but I’m actually the one who developed breasts.
Carrot Top: Really? You’re the guy responsible for knockers? Hell, there should be altars of Jergens lotion to you in every teenage boy’s bedroom world wide. What made you come up with them?
Zeus: Well, in addition to looking good, breasts are essential for feeding the young, as I’m sure you know. Prior to Zeus breasts, women were saddled with these huge cow-like udders that made it tough for them to walk around on two legs. I think the solution I came up with has ended up working pretty well.
Carrot Top: Well, you’ve got no complaints over here. Speaking of breasts though, I’ve always wondered, why do men have nipples? It’s not like they need them for anything.
Zeus: Well, that’s an interesting question...
God: EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS A LIE! HE TOOK NO PART IN THE CREATION OF MAN. HUMANKIND WAS CREATED IN MY OWN IMAGE.
Carrot Top: Does that mean you have tits?
Zeus: Hahahaha. Good one Carrot Top.
God: FOOLS, I COULD CRUSH THIS UNIVERSE AND ALL THAT INHABIT IT IN AN INSTANT. DO NOT PROVOKE ME! ANYWAY, AT LEAST I DON’T GO AROUND FUCKING ANYTHING THAT HAS A HOLE.
Zeus: That’s probably just because you’ve never gotten laid.
Carrot Top: Hmm, that would explain a lot. You have a response for that God?
God: UMM, MY EXPERIENCES OCCUR ON A PLANE SO FAR ABOVE THAT OF HUMAN EXISTENCE THAT THE CONCEPT OF SEX IS MEANINGLESS TO ME.
Carrot Top: Well, what about the whole Jesus Christ thing? You were a man then, right? Didn’t you go for a little nookie?
God: WELL, YOU SEE, CELIBACY IS A BEAUTIFUL THING, AS IT LEADS TO A
God: WHAT’S SO FUNNY? WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?
Zeus: How old are you? 15 billion? And you’re still a virgin? Fucking A.
God: YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND—CELIBACY?
Zeus: I mean, what’s the good in being the creator of everything if it doesn’t get you laid every once in a while? I never claimed to be any more than a regional deity, but I was swimming in pussy.
Carrot Top: God, let me interrupt for a minute with a theological question. If there are infinite possible worlds in the universe, and you became flesh and died for the salvation of each of these planets, does that mean you’re a virgin on all of them?
Carrot Top and Zeus: Hahahahahahaha.
God: I FAIL TO SEE WHERE THIS IS FUNNY! THE SPIRITUAL PURITY OF MY HUMAN FORM BROUGHT ALL MEN SALVATION.
Zeus: Seriously people, who would you rather worship—me, or Mr. Can’t-Get-Laid over there?
God: ARRRRGGGH! (God vaporizes Zeus in a flash of brimstone).
Carrot Top:...Well...I guess it appears we have our winner here. Let’s hear it for God, who I’m sure could get laid if he wanted to. Please turn in next time, when Buddha will take on Ra, the Sun God.
© 2004 James Seidler, All Rights Reserved.