Michael Zimmer

Born: May 14, 1979
Height: 6’6”
Weight: 205 lbs.
Writes: Left
Masturbates: Never! (If never still means “avidly.”)
College: Yale University (2001)

Michael Zimmer has made a career out of proving his critics right. This noodle-lipped halfwit was born in
New York City to a two-time world champion narcissist and a malfunctioning traffic meter at the corner of
93rd and West End. By the time his testes made their daring drop for freedom in 1982, Michael had already
won critical acclaim for his unsullied mezzo soprano, as well as his excellent ability to share. In 1986,
the creative life continued to beckon, as Michael made his acting debut in the Merchant-Ivory film Take My
Spleen to Rhodesia
, playing the role of “Sententious Dwarf #2,” which he later reprised in the 1988 sequel,
Now Take My Left Ventricle.

Lion-hunting proved to be an avid passion of Michael’s in his pre-teen years, mostly in response to the lion
that ate his family in 1991. As would prove a motif in his later life, Michael turned tragedy into joy in
1993, when he found the offending lion, stunned it with a tire iron and then reached up its urethra and
pulled out his family, exhausted but relieved, from the creature’s sweaty bowels.

Michael’s first stageplay, The Importance of Being Regular, debuted soon afterwards, playing to sell-out
crowds at the Schenectady Catholic Home and causing SCH resident Arleen McMaster to hail, “Don’t kill me! You’re trying to kill me!”

Rave reviews were also to follow for Michael’s first non-fiction book, Wasabe You Baking?: Asians and 20th Century Innovations in Cornbread, which was nominated for the Scruff-Hackner Award for Regional Non-Fiction.

Soon following this success, however, Michael’s controversial book of experimental photography
entitled That’s My Yoni!, was burned in the street by he and several hermaphroditic passersby. This event
marked a dark time in Michael’s life, when he toyed with fascism as a solution to the societal epidemic of

Michael managed to surmount this epic nadir by turning to the comfort and faith of alcoholism. Through a
whiskey-induced haze, he produced a collection of forgettable short stories entitled The Plural Of Moose
I s Not ‘Meese’
, from which several pieces were anthologized in the 1998 edition of Pointless American
, alongside RuPaul and Joyce Carol Oates.

Literary acclaim would still find Michael, however, after the publication in 2003 of his ambitious
tetralogy of novels––The Serially Uncouth; Green Eggs Kill; Uncle Dicksmoke; and Vivisection.

In his free time, Michael enjoys parsnip-basting, the use of the false word “guyagak!”, and dreaming.

He lives in the hearts of all sinners, and commutes to Los Angeles by goat.

E-mail Michael at MichaelZimmer@flymf.com