Nick Holle

Born: October 9, 1978
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 160 lbs.
Writes: Left
Masturbates: Right
College: University of Wisconsin - Madison (2001)

Nick Holle has always prided himself on being a versatile human being. Born in the Orient and raised by teachers, he developed an affinity for wearing capes at an early age. At three, he had memorized his times tables and was already speaking five languages. Just two years later, he became the lead singer and bassist for the Agnostic rock group The Noncommittals. After their breakup in 1987, Nick turned to marathoning, running in twenty-two marathons in twenty-two different countries in twenty-two months, winning his age group in both the Bonn and Ulaanbaatar races. At age fifteen, he ran for mayor of the town of Hillfork, Wisconsin and after his election was forced to resign to attend the ninth grade.

He kept a low profile throughout his adolescence, thanks to severe acne and a preoccupation with autoerotic stimulation. But after penning the essay “Perhaps You’re Not An Asshole Maybe” about the miseries of high school, he discovered his passion for writing and has since dabbled in nearly all genres.

He is the author of the poetry book Taste My Medicinal Froth (winner of the Pinson-Ghoulardi Poetry Prize), the stage play The Virginity Thief, the graphic novel Brunt, and a collection of short stories entitled Have You Wet Your Dog Of Late?

In 2001 and 2002, he lived and worked undercover as a woman in Myanmar for eighteen months researching his multi-volume exposé, I Sure Wonder What It’s Like To Breast Feed: An In-Depth Exploration Of Southeast Asian Human Dairy Farms. The shocking tale of human degradation and spiritual triumph is now in its seventeenth printing.

His series of crime novels––including The Poseur, Revenge At Stonehenge, and Silly Sarcophagus–– featuring the wily private dick Hank Scram have been consummately ignored.

While writing is his first love, Nick has enjoyed numerous other creative endeavors. He made designer t-shirts and sweats “in” again, creating both fall and spring middlewear for The Assburger & Fitzpatrick Company and Arabian Sparrow Outfitters. He wrote, directed, and produced the motion picture Me & Cell P, starring Emery Rallond Skolfield, Jr. And he is the lead singer of the band The Funk Box, which has always brought the freedom of funk to the far reaches of the earth.

Nick stays active by juggling small children, saving people’s lives, occasionally helping women to reach orgasm, and eating carbohydrates. You can often find him busing tables on Fridays and Saturdays at the famed Pink Taco in Los Angeles. He also does nude scenes.

Though he’s always gotten more than he bargained for in life, his one true wish is to fall in love again.

Nick lives with his aunt and four dogs in Lummox, Mississippi.

E-Mail Nick at