Contributor's Archive

Our Excellent Contributors, Past, Present, and (hopefully) Future:

Glen Golightly, FLYMF Investigative Humor Reporter: Glen spent more than a decade as a journalist for the Dallas Business Journal, Houston Chronicle and space.com. He currently works in corporate public relations, where his responsibilities include writing nonsensical news releases, shilling to reporters and ordering cookies for the vice president's meetings. In addition to being FLYMF's Official Investigative Reporter, he is working on a screenplay and short stories, has finished his first draft on a nonfiction piece on zydeco music. Glen will write anything for cash or malt liquor.

Check out his website at http://www-scf.usc.edu/~rgolight/

FLYMF Contributions: Whispering Sweet Buzzwords, This Inheritance Could Be Yours, FLYMF Voter Guide

Chad Lowry, Official FLYMF Advice Columnist : Chad lives in Chicago with his fiancee, two cats and a beagle named Opus. He is originally from Akron, OH, and went to the same high school as Lebron James, although he never knew him. He enjoys holding yard sales, yelling at cars while riding his bike, and playing poker with friends, as long as he wins their money.

FLYMF Contibutions: How To Propose, Spending Your Lottery Money Wisely, Solving Your Money Problems The Easy Way, Don't Screw The Pooch At Christmas, How To Choose A College, Pimp My Ride: America's Traffic Problem Solved, Trading Spaces Vs. Cleaning, Raising Kids 101, My Advice To The Graduates, Never Mind Its Mother, Depravity Is The Stepfather Of Invention, The Best Laid Plans Of Brides And Grooms

Bobby D. Lux, Official FLYMF Superfriend: Since 1996, Bobby has enjoyed a ban from ever working at Disneyland and is preparing for a new ban from his current 4 1/2 year stint performing at a third-rate entertainment facility. His uses the time from writer's block to design his own rude T-Shirts. Don't tell anybody, for fear of losing his hard fought street-cred, that he currently has "Africa" by Toto on repeat on his stereo. He has 26 friends on MySpace.com and his profile has been viewed 179 times.

FLYMF Contributions: When The Camera Stopped Rolling, Mike Tyson Movie Reviews, O'Neill 'Scopes' An Early Career, Monkey Dance, Outrageous Claims, Rope Off, In Memorium, Adventures In Time Travel, The Worst Story Ever, Batman Begins By Superman, The Coreys, Tonto's Shocking Discovery, Vegas Wedding, The Solution To America's Problems, Superman Returns, The Pirates Of Swenxof, "Sly" Nostalgia,

Affirmative Action: Affirmative Action just wants you all to listen to one another and show a little compassion.

FLYMF Contribution: My Letter To Me, Affirmative Action

Patrick Alexander: Patrick Alexander is a twenty-seven-year-old amateur comedian/high school English teacher who has a passion for writing about the weird crap that happens in his everyday life. He lives a rock star’s lifestyle on a roadie’s salary in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada. He is single and loving it, and hopes to contribute more to FLYMF. Find him on the Web at www.myspace.com/xpoisoncloverx.

FLYMF Contribution: The Enza, The Swab, Why I Need Weapons At A Wake, The Lepre-con, Confessions Of An Anti-dentite

Rob Allin: After taking root in the suburban wilds of Chicago, Rob Allin developed an intense hunger to chronicle the mating habits of red squirrels in the Yukon. After seven years of meticulous study, his seminal work Red and Randy was rejected by publishers, and Rob was left with nothing more than a strong physical attraction to red squirrels. He's since re-located to Southern California, where aside from lusting after humans once again, he works, writes, and ponders white collar crime.

FLYMF Contribution: 300 At Tyke's

Bananas, the Chimp:

FLYMF Contribution: Clearing Up Some Misconceptions

Craig Berger: When he's not writing hilarious short pieces for FLYMF, which is almost always, Craig is a screenwriter and chess teacher living in Los Angeles. He cites as his earliest influences the Syd and Marty Kroft Puppet Shows, particularly "Sigmund the Sea Monster" and "The Bugaloos". He hopes to use the copious financial donations he will receive from to his work to create a defense fund against the upcoming Government initiative to have the Ten Commandments tattooed on the back of every American Citizen to celebrate their "historical significance."

FLYMF Contribution: A Guide To Understanding W

K. M. Breay: K.M. "Duke" Breay is a businessman of the old stripe. He came up selling man products like steel coils, whiskey and lumber. He learned his trade alongside future captains of industry. Men like Chuck Black. Men who could size a fellow up before the Martinis were ordered. Men who knew broads in every corner of their territory. Men who were Men. Duke Breay didn't learn business from some faggot-ass professor at some wimpy-dick college. Duke Breay didn't learn it by playing ping-pong with a bunch of soft-in-the-pants Internet dinks. And Duke Breay certainly didn't learn it from some fucking broad. Duke Breay learned it the old fashioned way, from the goddamn ground up. He learned it from guys like Chuck Black. Chuck Black taught Duke Breay a thing or two about business. Chuck Black taught Duke Breay that even if you've been up all night bangin' some broad, you get up the next day, put on a suit and tie and move some fucking product. Chuck Black taught Duke Breay to be good to his suppliers, unless they're blacks, then treat 'em that way, like blacks. Chuck Black taught Duke Breay that a man's handshake means something, even though Chuck Black lost both arms in Korea. This is why Duke Breay has been the number one salesman in his region for the last four years (except last year when some broad dicked him of out of his commission). In his spare time, K.M. Breay writes fiction and free verse poetry.

FLYMF Contribution: Next Up, On Terry

Dan Burt: Dan Burt lives in Alabama with his wife and two sons. He is the creator of the humor web site www.CaptainCanard.com. Dan enjoys reading, writing silly stories and sketch comedy, and collecting vintage Canadian beaver pelts. In his spare time, he works for the federal government. Contact Dan at DanBurt@gmail.com.

FLYMF Contribution: Chasing Moby, Parent Teacher Conference

Laura Callier: Laura Callier currently lives in Chicago with two ghosts and lots of cat hair, but no cat. She studies comedy writing and improv at Annoyance Productions, and is the author and illustrator of the mini-comic "Lulu and Burdbird," available through cutegirldemographics.com. She is slightly attractive, but not TOO attractive, and for some reason, fancies herself a painter.

FLYMF Contributions: Old Food, Seeing Other People, My Washington Romance, Nobody Likes My Pink Shiny Miniskirt Except Me, Prematurely Pruned, Holidaze

Cris Cohen: When not working or spending time with his wife and son, Cris enjoys anxiety and depression. Cris believes these count as forms of exercise, since they often involve exhaustion and occasional sweating. For several years, Cris wrote a weekly column that ran in various California newspapers. He now practices that form of therapy at http://criscohen.typepad.com/

FLYMF Contribution: The Tanning Inferno

Jeanne Cook: Jeanne Cook lives in Phoenix with her two most demanding critics (her husband and teenaged daughter) and far more furred beasts than originally agreed to in the marriage vows. She works for Corporate America by day, and many times night, and writes all the others times. Sleep is optional. Drink is not. For other humorous musings, please visit her blog at http://jeannetgc.livejournal.com/. For more humor here, suggest to James (who she thinks is a wonderful man) that you'd like to hear more from her.

FLYMF Contribution: Earmuffs, Pet Psyches, Fun With Nuns

Allen Coyle: Much to the world's horror, Allen Coyle was born in 1982. Despite twelve years of public schooling and four years of college, he still emerged into young adulthood as a dedicated loser. In college, all of Allen's professors told him he couldn't write, but he decided to give it a shot anyway, seeing as how it beat physical labor. He has never published a book (or read one for that matter), but HAS seen nearly every episode of Nickelodeon's "Hey Dude," which makes him exceedingly cool. He thinks the two chicks on that show are hot.

FLYMF Contribution: Summer Work

Ginny DeFrank: Ginny DeFrank lives in Los Angeles where she relocated after her entire family was killed in a freak humidity accident back East. Having reached the pinnacle of success in the lower end of mediocrity in several pursuits including, but not limited to competitive cheese eating and motor cross, Ginny plans to devote herself to promoting her new rap album "Dr. Strangedub, or How I Learned to Love 'Da Bomb", due to drop sometime next year.

FLYMF Contribution: The Final Countdown

Dale Dobson: Dale Dobson continues to write, draw and perform in the metro Detroit area. His satirical work has recently been published by The Wittenburg Door, Yankee Pot Roast, Cracked, and National Lampoon. Look out! http://www.daledobson.com!

FLYMF Contribution: Short-lived Retail Franchises, Evil Forces Surround Me, If Desserts Were Sold Via Multilayer Marketing, Abandoned Muppet Film Projects, Educational Board Games, Abbott And Costello Meet Larry David, Toontown Personals

Andrew Dombrowski: Now that I'm getting paid by FLYMF, I think I'll quit my job and start writing full-time; Karen and I have no problem eating grilled cheese every night. We've been on a munster kick of late, damn near bought all they had at the Piggly Wiggly. Got twelve pounds thinly sliced in the fridge right now. I think when we’re done with that, we'll probably switch to cheddar or provolone for a while.  But no goat cheese—goats are dirty, filthy animals.  You can keep your feta cheese and your pita bread.

FLYMF Contributions: Faces Of Our Times, Elf Confidential, A Sign From God, My Letter To Me, The Illegal Immigrant Who Puts FLYMF On The Internet Every Month, My Letter Not To Me, Andrew Dombrowski, Go Greyhound, Go Greyhound, Notes From W's Diary, November 7, 2006, Mindscapes, Go Greyhound, My Literary Career Thus Far, Declaring My Intent, A FLYMF Farewell Letter

duder.: duder. is a web sitcom about some duders who live in Brooklyn. We release episodes monthly and try to update content weekly. For more info, please visit www.dudershow.com.

FLYMF Contributions: Bowels and God

Vickie Fernandez: Vickie retired from poodle assassination to live the American dream of writing the most disturbing prose known to man and selling out for large amounts of wampum. Recognized by experts as "Dorothy Parker meets Coyote Ugly ," Vickie believes in wearing very uncomfortable shoes to achieve "normal" height and mask her true dwarfish stature. Vic does not condone marriage unless it's to a rockstar who looks better in velvet and eyeliner than she does. And she hates pigeons. For more visit www.lacubanarocks76.blogspot.com.

FLYMF Contribution: The Poodle Assassin

Nick Fleisher: Nick Fleisher is a tallish half-Canadian half-Jew who split time during childhood between Philadelphia (49 weeks/year) and Edmonton(3). After abruptly canceling plans to establish a plaid-shirt colony in a Santa Monica beach house with musical collaborator A. M. Gass, he lived briefly in the Washington, D.C., metro area and now studies in the Ph.D. program in linguistics at UC Berkeley. Like many of his Bay Area acquaintances, he attempts to shield his wry east-coast identity from the irony-deadening forces of ideal weather and ripe avocado. The recent spate of full-season DVD releases of old television shows has proven helpful in this regard.

FLYMF Contribution: Bourne Again

Jesus Rivera Flores de Garcia y Hernadez: Jesus Rivera Flores de Garcia y Hernadez works 44 web publishing jobs in addition to doing some landscaping business on the side. He is responsible for getting FLYMF onto the internet every month. He probably wrote this article during time when he was supposed to be working.

FLYMF Contribution: My Letter To Me, The Illegal Immigrant Who Gets FLYMF On The Internet Every Month

Caroline Frost: Caroline's personal information is highly classified. Please direct all inquiries to the Federal Bureau of Investigation Witness Protection Program. Furthermore, it is strongly advised that no one speak to her or approach her in any way, as she is volatile and sometimes dangerous. She also likes kittens and Playdough.

FLYMF Contribution: Courting Justice

Frosty The Snowman: Frosty the Snowman/ is a jolly, happy soul/ with a corncob pipe and a button nose/and some eyes made out of coal.

FLYMF Contribution: My Letter To Me, A Christmas Icon

Robert Bradley Fuchs: Robert is a writer residing in Los Angeles. He has lived in New York City and London, which he was told is somewhere in Europe. (He has his doubts.) He chose comedy, because like TNT, he knows drama, but unlike the cable station, is sick of it. R-Dog, as he is known on the street, just wants tranquility, be it from a Will Ferrell comedy, a quiet evening with friends, or little yellow pills that he can only get with a note from his doctor.

FLYMF Contribution: Being Human Is A Full Time Job (Without The Benefits), The Day I Met Joey Slotnick

Russ Fusco: Russ Fusco is the only true conservative on staff, or in the Los Angeles area for that matter. He first registered as a Republican at the age of nine, after unveiling a liberal conspiracy to brainwash children with communist propaganda via The Smurfs. Russ has spent the last ten years living in a provisioned cave somewhere in West Virginia working on an unsolicited sequel to Atlas Shrugged and waiting for "The Big One." He communicates his FLYMF contributions via short-wave radio.

FLYMF Contributions: Democracy Is For Infidels, The Truth About November, There's A Lot To Learn From Janet Jackson, If You Love America

Randy Fury: Randy Fury was born in Lake Havasu, Arizona, but has called Kentucky home since the age of five. Randy tried to enlist in the army straight out of high school, but was medically disqualified for military service due to flat feet. Fortunately for Randy, good fortune came in the form of a one-way bus ticket to Massachusetts, dropped into his coffee cup while he was panhandling outside a Scottsville 7-Eeleven. Three weeks later he was protesting a JAG recruiter's visit to Harvard Law School; one week after that he was a student there, having never even attempted an undergraduate degree. After graduation from HLS, Randy spent seven years working "big law" in New York. Just before making partner, Randy quit corporate practice to finish his second divorce and decide in which direction to lead his life: a grappling conundrum for any twenty-nine year-old. Fate brought him to Los Angeles and the woman of his dreams. Randy spends his time writing and fishing —sometimes fishing and writing.

FLYMF Contributions: Crap, I'm Thirty, Rotten On The Inside

Larry Gaffney: Larry Gaffney would prefer not to say who or what he is.

FLYMF Contribution: Selected E-mails From Cabot Sinclair, Literary Agent And Really Nice Guy, Notes On Contributors, Scene From A Creative Writing Seminar Conducted By David Milch, The Lost Seinfeld Episodes, Things I Wish I Had Never Said, Christian Rock Group Days Of Fire Decides To Cover The Frank Zappa Catalogue, With A Few Changes, Writers Guidelines For The Salt Lick Review, Ill-advised Resume Objectives, A Correspondence, Larry's Open Proposal

Ralph Gamelli: Ralph Gamelli doesn't enjoy being the focus of attention, so he would very much prefer it if you read this bio quickly and then continued on with your day as if nothing had happened. Thanks.

FLYMF Contribution: How Long Before I Use My Ejector Seat?, Twilight Zone Episodes For The Internet Age, Rocky Balboa Gives Inspirational Speeches Too Frequently

David G.: Dave's first book, "Swift Kicks," was published this year by So New Publishing.

FLYMF Contribution: The Orson Welles Sketchbook, Hit And Run, Dear Hollywood Poker Showdown, Note's For Bono's First Presidential Address, Bad News For Browsers That Also Work As B-movie Titles, Reduced Circumstances, Romanian Tourist Itinerary, Welcome To My Blog

Wayne Gladstone: Wayne Gladstone lives in Maine with his wife and children. Some of his work has been featured in McSweeney's, Yankee Pot Roast, Cracked.com, and Opium, but all of it has not been featured in The New Yorker. He is a contributing editor to www.junkiness.com and writes a blog called Left Unsaid for Neal Pollock's Offsprung. If Wayne Gladstone were a restaurant, he would be a defunct roadside Roy Rogers sharing space with a wildly successful Bob's Big Boy. Visit Wayne at www.waynegladstone.com

FLYMF Contribution: A Love Letter To Giardia Lamblia, The Single-Celled Parasite Formerly Living In My Small Intestine, Best Saturday Night Live Skits That Never Aired, When George Lucas Gets His Hands On Other Blockbusters, New Shows Ideas For Chris Hansen When He's Done With To Catch A Predator

Kevin Groh

FLYMF Contribution: Discourse On Idiocy

Mustafa Hamir: Mustafa Hamir is currently a member of the Iraqi insurgency, but would rather be backpacking through Europe and taking advantage of the decadent sinfulness of the girls there. He does not understand why footwear plays such a large role in American political discourse.

FLYMF Contribution: Political Thoughts From An Iraqi Insurgent

Heriberto the Houseplant: The editorial staff of FLYMF regrets to announce that, at press time, Heriberto appears to have passed on. Memorial service details will be announced in a future issue.

FLYMF Contribution: Seidler Killed Me

Anna T. Hirsh: Anna Hirsh is a VIP server/ButReallyI'maWriter at a ridiculous Hollywood Nightclub. When she isn't lighting Jennifer Aniston's cigarette or serving Long Islands to losers from Orange County, she works on her novel, her screenplay, short stories, and assorted articles. Maybe even a poem here and there. In her order to make up for her stupid job, she volunteers at Planned Parenthood and 826la; i.e. she tries to keep people from having too many kids, but then helps them with their writing if they do.... In her free time she runs marathons - well, one.

FLYMF Contribution: When Poetry Attacks, The Travel Bug, Nobody Thinks Your Kid Is Cute

Jonathan Hoferle: Jonathan Hoferle encompasses all of the red fruit flavors with a hint of oak. He goes well with rare steaks, pork tenderloin, or mixed with Coca-Cola until you become a maniac and play Cellular Contacts Roulette, leading to acute morning shame. Additional information is available at the The Good Word of Sprout.

FLYMF Contribution: Confessions Of A College Graduate Einstein Bagel Slinger, The Other Half Of Genius

Paul Hogseth: Paul Hogseth once pressured his dad into ordering Blue Blockers sunglasses off of TV and would like to take this opportunity to apologize for that. He is very good with names and social security numbers, enjoys dancing, and takes great pride in the fact that he has never "been served." Paul currently lives in Madison, Wisconsin where he does project management at a medical software company.

FLYMF Contribution: Sign Language ABC

Donna Huffaker: Donna Huffaker moved to Los Angeles from the East Coast nine years ago because she liked palm trees. She spent eight years working as a newspaper reporter but gave up the glamour of print journalism for graduate school, where she is currently writing the first of many books that will allow her to retire before forty. She still likes palm trees.

FLYMF Contribution: The Days Of Wine And Gay Bars, Graduate Wretched Exam

Brian King and Jeremy Kruse (www.how2befunny.com): So why a site that teaches people how to be funny? Is it because we think that life can sometimes be boring? Is it because we think that a few laughs might be able to ease some of the overwhelming pain and sadness that inflicts (is inherent in) the human condition? No. Our goal is more important than that. We want to make some money so we can buy cars and stuff.

FLYMF Contribution: How2BeFunny "Thought You Should Know" Public Service Announcement

John Jones: John Jones (an alias so that his supervisor Carl, "whose wife is a fat pig!" doesn't find out that he stole the company computer) lives in Ft. Pierce, FL. In his spare time he likes to meet celebrities (Hi, Dan Marino!) and give them the "sweaty ass-crack handshake" (courtesy of Mall Rats).

FLYMF Contribution: Wazzit

Matthew Kirsch: Matthew Kirsch is a playwright and comedy writer from New York. His most latest play, MARY BETH, has recently received a reading at New Dramatists. He also just graduated from Yale University.

FLYMF Contribution: Wilford's Wish

Marissa Kristal: Marissa Kristal is a New York City based freelance writer who originally hails from St. Paul, Minnesota.  Since graduating from Indiana University in 2002 with a degree in journalism, she has been published in various print and online publications such as The Pioneer Press, The American Jewish World, Collegenews.com and Beautyaddictmag.com to name a few.  She is also the advice columnist at www.fazed.com - an ezine geared towards teens and 20-somethings.  You can reach Marissa at marissakristal@gmail.com

FLYMF Contribution: Standing On Street Corners, Trainers (And Big Horny Dogs), That Girl, Frostbite, Mr. Crazy, The Cheek Kiss

Jean-Pierre Lacrampe: Jean-Pierre Lacrampe is the person who wrote this introductory blurb in the 3rd person.He is a wonderful writer whose complex characters explore the unchartered depths of human dignity and self-identity with fresh candor and seemingly boundless wit.He has been published multiple times on various refrigerator doors of reluctant relatives. To view, please pop by 2314 W. Orchard Ave, San Ramon, California; 14 Bloomington Way, Los Gatos, California; or 3153 S. Cullom Lane, Chicago, Illinois. If locked, spare keys are kept under potted plants closest to front doors (bring doggie treats).

Please send praising comments to: jpgr_lacrampe@hotmail.com
Send criticism to: youre_a_petty_jerk@hotmail.com

FLYMF Contribution: A Jacket's Sentimental Ties, Welcome To The Team!, The Ballooning Of Muffins, The Apology, The Gift

Mike Leske

FLYMF Contribution: Ode To Tank Tops

Robert Levin: Robert Levin will swear to the death that "Sex with a Very Large Woman" is a work of the imagination.

FLYMF Contribution: Sex With A Very Large Woman, How To Make A Baby

Pamela Light: Pamela is a writer, freelance editor, and aerobics instructor, but never at the same time. When she isn't sweating or sitting in front of the computer, she enjoys cooking, scrapbooking, watching reality television, and cleaning her house until every last cat hair is gone. No, she is not a Midwestern housewife, but she aspires to someday be one. Visit her website at pameladlight.com.

FLYMF Contributions: The Yo-Yo Must Be An American Invention, Someone Tranquilize Me, Please, Death Of A Tooth, Cheese, Crackers, and Passive-Agressive Warfare, Cat Scratch Fever

Chip Lipcut: Chip Lipcut, an heir to the Lipcut Garment fortune, formed the Pro-Abortion People of America, a grassroots abortion organization, in 1989. P.A.P.A.'s goal is to ensure that as many unborn children are aborted as possible and that terminating pregnancies becomes the prevailing method of birth control on the planet. You can find out more about P.A.P.A. and Chip at www.abortmemommy.org.

FLYMF Contributions: Advertising Revenue, My Letter To Me, FLYMF's Only Paying Advertisor

Zachary Locklin: Zachary Locklin is a dead serious author with a noticeably-lacking sense of humor who only convinced us to publish his work by offering us various sexual favors. On which he later escaped delivery by claiming to have “a headache” and “an early-morning tomorrow.” His main interests are Zombies, Pirates, Vikings, Zombie-Pirates, Zombie Babies, Viking-vs.-Zombie battles, and Japanese Torture films. His favorite alcoholic beverage is the original Trader Vic’s Mai Tai. His favorite non-alcholic beverage is Banana Snapple.

FLYMF Contribution: I Am A Conservationist, America, The Suck-Fest, Or, A Modest Tax Proposal, I Fuckin' Love Nick Holle, A Disgrace To The Gothic Establishment

Angela Lovell: Angela Lovell is an award-winning playwright, director, screenwriter, and top dog of short stories who received scholarships at both Point Park College and New York University School of Tisch, eventually dropping out to pursue her dreams of waiting tables and temping. Once a writer at Universal Studios and MTV, Angela now writes wildly popular movie reviews that will guarantee her expulsion from Ashton Kutcher's parties, along with her world famous and eerily accurate Whorescopes. Get more of her goods at www.tickingboxes.com.

FLYMF Contributions: The Lawnballers, I'll Have My Rapist With A Side Of Cranberry Sauce, September Whorescopes (2005) , October Whorescopes (2005) , December Whorescopes (2005), January Whorescopes (2006), February Whorescopes (2006) , March Whorescopes (2006) , April Whorescopes (2006), Never Judge An Artist By Her Vagina Dress (Or Lack Thereof), May Whorescopes (2006), The Troll Made Me Do It, June Whorescopes (2006) , July Whorescopes (2006) , August Whorescopes (2006), September Whorescopes (2006) , October Whorescopes (2006) , November Whorescopes (2006) , December Whorescopes (2006), January Whorescopes (2007), February Whorescopes (2007), March Whorescopes (2007), April Whorescopes (2007), May Whorescopes (2007), June Whorescopes (2007)

Jennifer Lukenbill: Jennifer Lukenbill is living the typical American dream, leading the fast-growing lower low-middle class in lower-middle America with my husband and wicked awesome son (his words). She graduated from Cottey College with a communications major, a wise choice for those wanting to do anything from total unemployment to waitressing to oh, becoming a pharmacy technician.

FLYMF Contribution: Bully Battle Cry, Suicide By Knob

Christine Magnotta: Christine Magnotta is studying for an M.F.A. at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, where she is learning to laugh to hide the fears of student loan collectors.

FLYMF Contribution: Recipe For Vegetable Lasagna

Bill McConnell: Bill McConnell is a native of southern California.  He received a B.A. in anthropology from the University of California, Santa Cruz (Go Banana Slugs!), after which he worked as a professional musician for several years (well, really he waited tables, tended bar, played guitar, and met hot chicks, but whatever). Currently, he teaches high school students how to write essays and fill out job resumes, activities that most people find quite simple to do, yet most ninth graders find impossible to achieve.  When he is not teaching, he can be found at local card clubs trying to eke out beer money on the tournament circuit.  He is also earning a Master's in Professional Writing from USC, where he focuses on fiction and creative nonfiction.  He currently resides in Ontario in the heart of the Inland Empire, which everyone knows as the land of the dirt people and methamphetamine factories.

FLYMF Contribution: Observations About Jury Duty, Small Town Sexy

Don McLean: Don McLean is the renowned singer-songwriter, known for much more than writing the pop hit "American Pie." He thinks it's pretty cool that "Killing Me Softly With His Song" was written about him.

FLYMF Contribution: Can't You Look Deeper Than My Greatest Hit?

Josh Mitchell: Josh Mitchell is a writer-filmmaker from Boston who received a degree in journalism from Roger Williams University. You can watch his Wickid Pissa Films at www.myspace.com/wickidpissaboston.

FLYMF Contribution: A Million Little Pieces Of Bullshit

AJ Nseir: AJ Nseir comes from Pittsburgh, PA originally, and graduated from Marist College in Poughkeepsie, NY last May with a degree in Journalism. He is in his first semester as a graduate student at the University of Southern California, where he is enrolled in the Master's of Professional Writing program with a concentration in Fiction. In addition to studying short story and novel writing, he plans on getting into screenwriting as well.

FLYMF Contribution: The Anonymous Henchmen

Dr. Aloysius “Billy” Nunama: The Poop Doctor is a nationally syndicated advice column. Dr. Aloysius “Billy” Nunama is neither a licensed physician nor does he know anything about psychology or psychiatry. But his fifty-two years of pooping experience speaks for itself.

FLYMF Contribution: The Poop Doctor's "Enjoy Your Bliss"

Elizabeth Hope Olson: Febuary came and went and Elizabeth is still not a carnie. That means
two things: 1) She will be graduating from college in May. and 2) Gareth, the lion tamer, will just
have to wait. She is a psychology major at a small Wisconsin college, and with her degree she
plans to plant random false memories in her three sisters, just for kicks.

FLYMF Contribution: The Bard Battle Tape Remix

Jonathan Riggs

FLYMF Contribution: Holiday Road

G. Xavier Robillard: G. Xavier Robillard lives with his family in Oregon where he programs man-eating robots. His fiction has appeared in McSweeneys and National Public Radio. Enjoy other samples of his graphomania at www.alldaycoffee.net.

FLYMF Contribution: When George Lucas Gets His Hands On Other Blockbusters

Amanda Rodell: Amanda Rodell has recently come out of suburban Connecticut to join the ranks at USC. After her early success as a UCA All Star cheerleader, Amanda has gone on to write strange and twisted tales of troubled minds and restless souls. She can usually be found at any MPW event serving alcohol.

FLYMF Contribution: Charlie's Hamsters, Incomplete Reunion

Melissa Rosen: Melissa Rosen has had a crush on Joe Paterno ever since she can remember. She stays away from Pennsylvania and drinks a bottle of Pinot Noir when watching college football for that very reason. Her hobbies include shopping, going to the movies, talking on the phone and depantsing her acquaintances in public places. 

FLYMF Contribution:My Father, The Matchmaker, In The Summer, When It Sizzles

Adam Rust: Raised by scorpions, not only is Adam Rust the best cartoonist in the world, but also the toughest. “Adam's Rust” began at Adam's undergrad alma mater, the University of Wisconsin, in the late 90s. Adam contributes his genius to publications like Mad Magazine, The Funny Times, and is in Ted Rall's latest compilation book, “Attitude 3: The New Online Subversive Cartoonist.” Rust currently resides in Chicago where he teaches drawing classes, works as a carpenter, draws comics, and generally makes the world a better place. More of Adam's brilliance can be experienced at www.adamsrust.com.

FLYMF Contribution: Checkmate, A Pictorial Rendition Of Nearly Every "Cops" Episode, Life Begins At Conception, Man Vs. Machine

Elizabeth Saas: Elizabeth Saas is a writer living in Los Angeles.

FLYMF Contributions: The Next-To-Last Supper, A Fortnight's Lament

Jim Salisbury: Jim Salisbury is an aspiring comedy writer from Port St Lucie, Fl . He is married with 3 children, Matthew, Mark, and Michael. "Michael is actually a girl but there was a smudge on the sonogram and we had all the baby clothes monogrammed in advance."

FLYMF Contributions: Whoda Thunk?, The Clown, Love At First Sight

Peter Sanders: Peter Sanders received a master's thingy in journalism from USC's Annenberg School of Communications. But, they spelled his name wrong on his diploma so he doesn't think the two years he spent there are officially valid. He is the author of the acclaimed series "Oh Daddy Why?" and in his spare time enjoys multiplying pi by prime numbers.

FLYMF Contributions: Make Me Feel Good Macky Donalds, A Lament For The Dearth Of Hootenannies And Moonshine

Stefan Schumacher: Stefan Schumacher is a graduate student in the Master of Professional Writing Program at the University of Southern California, where he also works at the Philosophy Library, and writes a column for the Daily Trojan. He grew up in Chicago, and is currently working on a novel and winning a fantasy baseball championship this season.

FLYMF Contribution: I Love My Dingy Poppers

Lori Sichtermann: Lori, an aspiring lounge singer, spends the majority of her sober hours playing with the written word. She considers herself lucky to have a nine-to-five gig that allows her to publish such word strings as "Optimizer blue balls can be used in protocols and mock controls in order to observe the progress of extraction for optimization."

FLYMF Contribution: Words And Phrases, Glen's View, Glen's View 2

J.D. Smith: J.D. Smith's second collection of poems, Settling for Beauty, was published in 2005, and his humor has appeared in several publications. He has been awarded a Fellowship in Poetry from the National Endowment for the Arts. Further information is available on his website, www.jdsmithwriter.com.

FLYMF Contribution: My Fetishist Things, As A Matter Of Fact, I Am The Person You Have To Blow To Get A Table Around Here, The Great Tuvalu Liquidation Sale

Social Security: Social Security has been looking out for our nation's elderly and those otherwise unable to care for themselves since its inception in 1935. It thinks Newt Gingrich can go blow it out his ass.

FLYMF Contributions: My Letter To Me, Social Security

Springtime: Springtime likes to think it sure is nice.

FLYMF Contribution: My Letter To Me, Springtime

Matt Sullivan: Matt Sullivan graduated from St. Bonaventure University with a BA in Journalism. He lives in Massachusetts. And currently he's traveling around Latin America writing travel articles for his home newspaper. After Amsterdam, he`ll never look at beads the same way!

FLYMF Contribution: Amster "Damn It"

Steve Szlaga: Steve Szlaga is a Television Writing & Producing Major at Columbia College Chicago.
Either by luck, perseverance, or possible mental disabilities, he has held a number of interesting jobs,
including working at Disney World and Jerry Springer. He currently walks dogs and doesn't care if you
make fun of him.

FLYMF Contribution: Home Of The Smiling Burger

Leroy Talor: Leroy Taylor has been fired from movie reviewing jobs by newspapers across the country. He'd like to say that he "frankly doesn't give a damn," but is too saddened by the fact that most people probably wouldn't get the reference.

FLYMF Contribution: Leroy's Movie Minute

Tex: Tex wishes he could be seventeen and in love forever. On the prairie, of course.

FLYMF Contribution: My Letter To Me, A Real Gay Cowboy

The Year 2005 A.D.: The Year 2005 A.D. is hopeful that all sorts of things may happen within it that, while they may seem terrible to you as people, will ensure it a place in posterity. Bad luck to all in the year ahead.

FLYMF Contribution: My Letter To Me, The Year 2005 A.D.

Richard Toynton: Richard Toynton constantly attempts cross-country road trips even though he lives in Hawaii.When his website isn’t on the ten o’clock news for allegedly spreading rumors of impending doom, he searches for writing jobs within a job market consisting of only health care and construction positions.

FLYMF Contribution: Damn It, Gym!

Mike Tyson: The former heavyweight champ, convicted rapist, and certified psychopath is currently driving the streets hoping for a random fender-bender, so he can beat someone to death with his bare hands. He recently had to sell his collection of Bengal tigers to pay his mounting debts.

FLYMF Contribution: Mike Tyson Movie Reviews

Karen Webb: Karen Webb is a freelance writer, screenwriter, and marketing consultant who lives in the Boston area with her husband, two children, and her English springer spaniel, Otis. Her screenplay, Green Grass, www.greengrassfilm.com, won a script award at the 2007 Vail Film Festival and is scheduled to begin shooting this summer.

FLYMF Contribution: The Next Phase Of Potty Training

Wut Wut Alma Moving Pictures: Independent movie company based in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin. Currently developing their first feature-length moving picture, Illegal Use Of Joe Zopp.

FLYMF Contribution: Off-Hand, Speed Hump